Comfortably Numb

***its not quite finished yet…

 

I don’t know when this feeling crept up on me

It started out small, dismissive even, but before I knew it, it’s chains where surrounding all of me

 

This feeling I feel seems pretty new
But from the start it’s fangs grew and grew

To the point where it now envelops me

Whole

It has turned me into a hallow lifeless soul

It turned my confident , self assured spirit into something dark and scared

It saw how fast I could crumble

So it drove its fangs in far as it dared

And now I’m stuck

 

This feeling has changed since the first time we met

This feeling was full of excitement.

It was like an full body buzz I would feel that would make me shudder

 

I remember feeling loved and wanted

It was passionate and kind hearted

The feeling wanted nothing if I wasn’t there.

It promised nothing but true love and a new life to share

 

So I fell fast for this feeling, I fell so deep

The feeling ensured me my heart he will keep

 

But this warm feeling was fast and so fleeting,

And before I knew it, the truth was  what I was seeing.

 

The feeling had lied from the beginning

And when it was too late, my whole life was spinning out of control

 

The feeling told me I was never enough, that I was worthless and dumb.

That I should be ashamed of the person I had become.

The feeling said that it didn’t love or need me around

But then it would fill me with love and hope so I didn’t run

It’s lies of hope planted my feet to the ground

 

So now I’m living with a horrible feeling

One that ridicules and belittles me.

One that is demeaning.

 

I’m far from the person I was before this feeling

I was full of life and confidence, of love and hope

Now every day I just feel like I  float

 

I try not to step on the cracks that could make this feeling rage

Or say something stupid in which a fight will engage

 

It says I don’t try but oh I do. It’s just hard to change when everyone else says I’m doing what’s right.

 

It reminds me of all that I’ve done.

No matter how much I change, what I did can never be undone.

The feeling tells me of how no body likes me and all the bridges I’ve burned. It tells of all the mistakes I made. And of How many stones I’ve turned

 

It says I will never be able to make up for what I’ve done

That no matter how much I change, I’ll always be the one

Who lied, who stole, who thought of themselves. Who can never do anything correctly so there’s no point to run.

 

The feeling will throw me out if I decide to leave

Turn off my phone if I try to put up boundaries

 

It pushed me so hard once I fell hard to the ground

But of course that isn’t how it happened, I was just acting like a clown

 

But that fails in comparison on what I’ve done

How I put it in jail, lied to it face or kept drinking when I said I was done

 

I’m the one who’s creating this all.

It’s my actions that make him treat me small

 

But everyone else says what the feeling does is wrong.

But all I feel is confused.

For the feeling tells me I deserve it because of all my wrongs

 

But I felt a spark recently.

Deep down inside of me.

In a part where it’s dark and cold

Where there’s been no light to behold

 

For a long time I thought I’d never feel warmth there again

But that spark lit a fuse and I knew that something had began

 

I’m seeing little truths, little bits of clarity

Just enough to give me hope, just enough to pull me from my disparity

 

I’m getting stronger than I was before

And I’m realizing that my self worth means more than being trampled on the floor