Sometimes

Sometimes I don’t think I have changed at all and other times I can’t recognize the picture I took of myself yesterday. I look out at the ocean to get perspective and other times I lay in bed because the ocean seems a little too big. I often take drives without a destination hoping it will take me to the place where I belong.  I play music so loud so that everything is gone and I cannot be perceived. I have dreams of walking into an empty field and never being seen again. Imagine the headlines “girl who had everything disappears out of thin air”. Sometimes I close my eyes and picture myself in my childhood home but all that does is make me sick. I wish I could go back and try again, and given the chance I would. I think I loved too many people I no longer have any left for myself. I don’t know maybe I have changed. If I met my younger self I don’t even know what I would tell her. She would ask me where it went wrong and I couldn’t give her an answer. Sometimes I want to walk off the edge of the earth and place the familiar feeling of falling into an abyss.