Loss

Mourning the loss of someone who is still alive is one of the most painful things you can go through. Someone you never wanted to lose, someone you never wanted to live without and aren't sure you can. Someone who was your home and now you have to figure out how to move on and move out of that home and live alone. In a brand new place. Scared, confused, broken and left to feel like you're dieing. So you cry,scream,throw things, break things, punch things. You cuss out God, you tell off the universe but that quite literal crippling pain never stops. You can never quite catch your breath and if you're lucky enough to its only for a brief moment. In that moment you take a deep breath, say I got this and try to continue. Then the loss hits again, sometimes even harder than before. You're filled with so many questions and never any answers. Why is this happening? What did I do to deserve this pain? Why did you leave? God Why did you take him from me? Why did you take the life we were supposed to have? Will this pain ever end? Why don't you care? Why wasn't I good enough? These thoughts eat you alive even more so because this person is still breathing and you ask them all these questions and there's still no answers. No closure. No ending. Just left broken hearted and answerless. Your actual death might've actually been easier sadly to say. Atleast then i wouldve been forced to live without you. It wouldn't have been by your choosing. Although i would NEVER wish you any harm. Just happiness; no matter what. But mourning you while I'm in your arms has killed me instead.