Heart And Mind

I'm not much for Christmas, memories have gone dark. My core feels like a pin cushion, waiting for the piercings to be sharp. When people get together in a circle of laughing joy, I'll walk away. Fade into the background, make a silent exit display. I'm used to being the outcast, nobody wants around. Such an assumption for me to believe, I'm lost in my own mind, not wanting to be found. At first, I would consume the poisons that spun my attitude out of control. Hiding pain with coping mechanisms, but afterwards my heart and mind would take a toll. By then, an interest was to only stare deep into the crackling of a blazing fire. Not bothered from the excruciating heat, watching it til what's left to expire. When my heart feels like it's bleeding, eyes release the floodgates. I drown in sorrows, and torment myself with past mistakes. Somewhere in the mist, mood changes from sadness to rage. Contemplating that a book won't be saved after burning every page. In reality, there's no changing what's already happened, leave it behind. Hard to trust the future when scars remind. I don't understand why I've made it this far, being alive. I wish the soul could eject with it's keys to take a drive. I'm not going to do anything that puts me in danger of hitting the dirt. I'm used to the damage inflicted, causing my mind and heart to hurt. I don't think I've ever told anyone about the way Xmas affects me. Now you know the truth in what I see. Have a good one, and happy new year. Thank you for reading my spilling of thoughts, from me, sincere.