After Us

...... 

I sat on a bench, right across from where he was
With my hands clinging on the table that separated us
My arms buried beneath my jacket
And my fingernails clawing and scratching the life off of that lifeless wooden table
My teeth were gritting so hard
I know he’d hear them
And my whole face was frozen
It was cold, I swear it was
But this wasn’t the cold doing this to me
It was built up anxiety, rage and spite.

My feet were dangling from the wooden bench I was seated on
Perhaps if they were rooted to the ground, I wouldn’t be this anxious
"Say something ", I need him to! 
Because this silence is killing me
But he doesn’t say a word,
So we keep up with the staring contest

This man seated across me was once my entire world
 I look at him, 
I pierce right through his eyes
They don’t feel warm like they used to
The feel cold! 
He’s turned cold
I didn’t do this to him , in fact, I tried my best to love him
A lot so that I secretly still mentioned him in my prayers after we parted ways
Did I somehow wish we’d get back together? 
Or was there a part of me still holding on to him? 

He’s hair is shorter now
I still remember how running my fingers through it felt like
And how much he’d whine when I tried to hold it up
‘’it hurts,’’ he’d say 
And I’d giggle at his words

Midnights felt a little strange after he left
Because even the skies would look dull without the stars
How do I tell him that he broke me, so much 
That every time I tried to love someone else I held back 
That I looked at every man and saw him 
Not just for what he did but for the memories we shared 

He’s a little chubby now
He looks good
But I can’t say it
Even though I should

I keep staring at his face
Looking for some sort of pieces of his that still connect with me
I find none, or there are but he’s gotten too good to hidden them

I still remember the nights we spent together
We didn’t have much
But we had each other, and that more than anything meant everything to me
The genuine laughs, his baggy clothes
Lying on his chest, making pancakes
Taking pictures together
Those little yet so big memories

I still remember the smell of his sheets
And that epic drawing on his walls
His messy aesthetic of clothes
And the smell fresh of morning grass outside his house
I still remember the dreams we’d air out
And the ambitions we didn’t put down in words but shared them with each other
He was my everything. 
With so much in common 
And enough differences to keep us together,
Yet again, a lot has changed 
And I can’t look at him the same
But I wish I could even if it was for one last time 

I want to say something 
But I have wild thoughts in my head
"Let’s move in together" 
"Let’s make it work again" 
I have a career now, 
You have a job, 
"We can live the life we wanted" 
But again, I can’t say those words to him

I look down at his lips
The same lips I loved kissing so much
In my head I’m tracing my fingers through them
Brushing them with a soft touch
And kissing them in the most-gentle way, 
But again, it’s all just in my head

He stares back at me
With a blank face I’d say
He’s trying so hard to fight the emotions, I know it 
I know it because I know him so well
Even if he displays this new character, I know what he is made of
Such a heart can’t be replaced or rebranded. 

Days have gone, a lot faster to years
We could be living our best life together now
But things are different
Situations are different
He’s out here trying to love someone new
But I hope he knows the love I had for him could never be matched up.