Bipolar Me

Some of you will never see it, and some of you will choose not to believe it but none of you will ever know how i yearn to be better. How when I wake up in the morning I’m wishing I didn’t have to wonder which of my feelings are real or which me am I going to be today. Will I be the wild, impulsive, energetic and sometimes chaotic me or the withdrawn, desperate, suicidal, and depressed one. It’s sometimes feels like riding a roller coaster where one second you’re laughing and throwing your hands in the air and other times you’re clinging, just simply holding on for dear life. Sometimes you just wanna scream at the top of your lungs and other times you have a smile on your face and you’re happy. You are two sides of the same coin. You can put on an act when around people and the second you’re alone you start thinking you’ll never get better. You get pulled back under the waves and start drowning. There are times where that helpless feeling last for days or weeks while the fun happy times seems like it only last for hours. Whats almost worse than that is the people who do see it and who do believe it and they want to help but they feel just as helpless as you do. When they shower you with love and patience and try even though they don’t truly understand what it is you’re going through. When they pour everything they have into helping you and yet they still see you struggling. That almost feels worse. And though you try and try and try and try again you start losing that hope of getting better. That’s what it is like being bipolar, this is what it’s like being “ME”.