impatient

is patience really a virtue?

I'm really lacking it.

everyone, this is a confession.

and I have to spill or I'll end it.

there's this boy,

more like a man.

he's everything I've ever wanted,

loves me more than I can.

there's something he doesn't know.

it would break is heart.

I've hit a terrible low.

so here goes:

I have and still do hurt myself.

I wish I could put myself in a coma.

with no respect for myself,

I wish I were dead.

I've got many scars,

not metaphorical though.

with how I've treated my body God gave me,

I really belong down below.

I haven't been sleeping.

I'm up till 3 a.m. every night.

I can't stop the tears from seeping

and staining his shirt until I'm sick.

I have to keep going though.

I stare at him and think,

"without him I'd never grow".

he brings me unimaginable joy.

I look at his face

and know that's who I want to kiss goodnight

in our own bed in our own place.

the one I want to see smile and laugh.

I look at his chest, and his arms,

and I know that's who I want to see

holding our babies,

and holding me when I need to scream.

I look at his face and hair,

and know that's who I want to comfort,

kiss him sweetly and play with his hair

on his hard days.

I look at all of him and think,

that's the man I want in my life.

I want us to take care of each other,

but with me as his wife.

that's the man I want to hold.

the man I sleep with at night.

the man who keeps me warm in the cold.

the man I ask out on a date,

even when we're 50.

the man I cry with,

laugh with,

grow with.

the man I get pregnant with,

the man who loves our children,

even when it's our fifth.

it's my dream to make him a father.

it's my dream to marry him,

share special moments with him,

have him as my husband

but still as my best friend.

I can't wait to gain more gorgeous sisters,

and a caring mother in law.

love his family as my own,

have a beautiful life set in stone.

love him on the bad days,

with tears, fights, and screams,

love him on the sad days,

with ice cream, hugs, and rom coms.

the screaming and anxiety packed in my head.

I tried, but I can't explain all I dream of.

I'm trying to hold my patience steady,

but it's hard when there's so much love.

all this isn't even the half of it.

the pain I face,

the dreams I wait for,

I want to be back in a good place.

but he's gone.

he's left for so long and I miss him.

is it really so wrong

that I want him to come back home?

I feel guilty.

I try to stay sane,

but with all this shit going on,

every day it all is just so draining.

this is my confession.

I don't need pity or sympathy,

I just need to release my depression.

I know my coping skills aren't healthy.

this is also a message to my love;

I miss you so much more than you think.

I'm doing okay, sort of.

I'm so proud of you, I promise.

I support you,

I care about you,

and most of all,

I love you.