The Wimp's Rap.

The Wimp’s Rap.

From the moment I was born, life was destined to be sad.

The Doctor slapped ml Mother and then Mother slapped mi Dad

The midwife came to look at me laying in my crib.

She said she’d never seen such an ugly looking kid.

Growing up was hard looking like I did

I was as welcome as a summons with all the other kids.

I didn’t have the looks that were sought on the telly.

I’ve got a kinda profile like a melted welly

I’m a wuss a weakling a softie and a wimp

When I was at school my classmates called shrimp

I’m skinny and I’m puny, hench I’ll never get

I dance in the rain to get myself wet.

I tried my hand at boxing I thought “I’ll have a crack

All was going well until my opponent hit me back.

Every bout I entered I was guaranteed to lose.

I started putting adverts on the soles of mi shoes.

I did some cage fighting, a sport that’s rough and tough and scary

Imagine my shame, being mauled by the Canary,

The beast, it nearly killed me,in the corner I was trapped.

I thank mi lucky stars that I was rescued by the cat

Coz I'm a coward, I’m  a weakling, a softie and a weed.

I’m not built for combat, I’m only built for speed

If there’s any chance of conflict, violence or affray.

I’m soon up on mi toes and I swiftly run away.

Dancing in the nightclub I spilt this fella’s beer.

A great big ugly brute with a cauliflower ear.

He said “ Now where I come from that’s a sign of disrespect

 I’m gonna give you a lesson that you will never forget.”

The fella changed his mind, when he’d spoken to his wife.

He said “ I’ve got a proposal that might just save your life”

My misses she quite fancies you so let me illustrate.

 We have an open marriage,tonight you’ll be her date.

And if you want to keep your looks and don’t want to end up dead

You’re going to buy our drinks all night, and join us in our bed”

I glanced across the room and his wife began to pout.

If beauty was only skin deep, this girl was inside out !

I looked at the big ugly brute and woefully I cried

“ I’ve considered your kind offer and I’d rather step outside”

I’m the heavyweight champion of Bulimia

There’s not a woman who wants me to be seen with her.

I’m so puny I struggle getting dressed.

I wear mi hobnail boots to stop me falling through mi vest.

Coz I’m jittery and jumpy, a cowardly disgrace.

Spent my life getting lots of sand kicked in mi face.

I’m aesthetically challenged, one might say.

We keep my portrait over the fire to keep the kids away.  

The runt of the litter, I’ll never be a winner.

Bullied by my siblings every night at dinner.

My teeth stick out like a rabbit with the pocks.

I can eat an apple pie, through a letterbox!

I’ve got a face that would stop a bus.

I’m a wimp, a weakling, a softie and a wuss.