Confessions

What would you do if....?

I crushed dead the body of a small brown insect with the pointed heel of your favorite pair of my shoes I set fire to a flaming red leaf secretly hoping to ignite others I refused to swallow the sun allowing it to warm me from the inside out I ripped open bags meant for laying coverage along icy roads getting coarse reddish-brown sand beneath my nails that take days to wash away I whispered lies to you that you aren’t sure are lies I sprinkled granules of salt in your coffee every day for a week I poured apple cider vinegar into your mostly empty bottle of Head & Shoulders I excised several pages in different areas of the book you’re currently reading I squeezed shut your nose while you slept, cringing at the greasy feel beneath the tips of my thumb and pointer finger I loosened the coaxial cable on the cable box just enough so it wouldn’t work but not enough for you to notice I deliberately stepped on every crack in the sidewalk each time imagining the feel of the splintered shards of your vertebrae I put Abreva in the sugary frosting of your 40^th birthday cupcake I pulled minute strands of hair out of what’s left on your head as you dozed on our blue sofa Sunday afternoons I changed the password to our Netflix account and didn’t tell you I poked pinprick-sized holes in the seat of your favorite chinos I stayed awake all night sharing secrets with another wishing you’d overhear I threw away the withered flowers you gave me for Mother’s Day two years ago I left bits of used kitty litter in the shoes you wear to work I allowed you to ask me repeatedly to let you read my recent writings staring at you each time you asked but staying silent

Would you think that I hate you or that I hate myself?