Poisoned Thorns

I'm sorry I lied.

I promise I really did try 

to be true. 

To actually feel the love 

that I said I do. 

All the times you listened to my great heartaches 

but I never managed to actually express

 the one that hurt the most. 

I lead you on 

making you believe we felt the same thing 

when it wasn't true. 

I was just scared to be alone. 

This is my greatest shame and mine alone. 

I'm not even sure how I would give these words 

to another human being. 

I was still in love with someone else 

and yet 

still whispered those three words that you ate up. 

But even though I was the one to know 

I was lying, I know you were too. 

Maybe we had feelings 

but they weren't what they should have been. 

There was too much poison between us 

eventually it began to reveal itself and made itself plain. 

I tried to ignore it while you enjoyed it. 

But pretty things can't exist with poison. 

I'm sorry that I lied to myself and made myself believe 

I needed you. Made myself believe that I was not strong enough 

to be on my own and that you could "fix" me. 

But that day you told me to be like her I had a suspicion.

I had always known things 

would end ugly between us. 

But that day showed me how truly 

you did not love me. 

We both lied to each other. 

I know why I lied 

but do you? 

Maybe we were both meant to be made fools. 

But I know I have an army on my side. 

While I'm not sure who would stand 

with you. 

Maybe that's why I fight off the staves of anger. 

But I know a time will come when I can fight them 

no longer. 

I will not become 

who I know 

I am not. 

The person you accused me 

of being when I said I was 

through. 

I know you were angry 

That I didn't break you. 

You didn't have enough love for me 

For that to be true. 

You may have hurt me 

but now one can cause me pain the way that I do. 

I'm sorry you'll never get to see 

who I really am. 

That behind the pain I hid is a girl 

who's actually a strong woman. 

She hid 

because she was afraid. 

But now after all the poison 

I can see 

you wouldn't have appreciated her. 

You would have wanted to control her. 

But she is not something to be 

controlled 

constrained to just one thing. 

She is 

wild 

free. 

I'm sorry you won't get to see 

the real me. 

Maybe glimpses 

but the damage has been done and no candy words 

will repair what you did. 

Maybe to some it's not that catastrophic 

but you knew my demons 

used them against me.  

I'm sorry I lied 

said I loved you when that wasn't true. 

Because now I know who needed those words 

it wasn't you. 

I made myself believe the approval I needed was from someone else. 

So I'm sorry I lied to myself. 

I always said I would be true