Friendships

They all leave anyway

I don't know why I thought you'll be any different. We all have that honeymoon phase where we want to live up to each other's expectations. Where we can't help but only think about one another. Where we can't go twenty-four hours without one another. Until we can. That's when you realize we're growing, changing, widening the horizons.  It turns from five minutes, to ten, to thirty, to fifty, to an hour, five hours, ten hours, thirty hours, until I have no other choice but to hope you haven't also left me.

They all said I was comforting. Irreplaceable. Unforgettable. Irresistible. I guess all things unique are also left behind one day. Whether it be through death, decaying, losing, hiding, isolating. Nothing stays as it is forever. Yet I thought you were different. And yet I did nothing. If it was me five years ago, I would've been so hurt and confused as to what I did to make you go away. But now. You can go. I've fought for explanations, repairments, mendings, but I came to realise what is for you, will be for you, and what is not, will leave you. 

At this point I just enjoy the honeymoon phase. Knowing that as the clock strikes 12 I'll be back in rags and kerchiefs, alone in a foreign world. I let the words soak and reminisce within the moment. Because the words 'never' and 'forever' tend to mean the opposite for mortal beings like me. I knew while I was being showered with attention and affection, reassurance and protection that deep down this isn't how it's gonna be forever. So no matter how many times you told me "I will never" or "We'll be forever", that I had no choice but to chuckle at the illusion.

Maybe I'm truly boring and simple and it just took you a while to realize. Maybe I wasn't the drug you were looking for but the treatment. After all, drugs are what slowly ruins you, yet you come back for more. But was I ruining you? Did you finally get the treatment? Was I always the drug? Or am I the treatment in the illusion of a drug that took you a while to realize you no longer feel that alive and fun? But grounded and founded, back and forth between your war. Whatever it is. You found better. I was just a phase for everyone. I'm neither fun nor reckless, polluted or confused. Things everyone crave in a lifetime. 

It was fun. You made me feel like someone. Somebody with a voice to let out her mind-killing thoughts every once in a while. Eager to do something in a day just to share the enthusiastic feeling of explaining it every step of the way. Excited to run to someone to share anything about. But as the season turns over and new changes rolls over. They all leave anyway.