I'm still learning

*I'M STILL LEARNING*

I’m still trying to learn
How to live a life without you and one so far from you
I’m learning
Yet for unknown reasons, I still feel like I need you
To be connected to you

It’s been a while since we spoke
Is it time to reach out yet?
I scrolled through my phone, couldn’t find your number
But that’s an excuse, 
I still have it at the back of my head
I hate that I remember
A lot more often that I moved back to this place where we met
And now I curse these streets every time I walk on them
I yell on the graffiti we use to take pictures on
Who would have thought that healed wounds still hurt?

I passed by your gate three times today
Hoping you’d come out and we’d accidentally bump on each other
And you’d hold my hand and help me up
Then you’d realize how much time has changed me
How surprisingly good I look
Not that I die every morning before waking up
Because I do 
It still hurts
You’d see how good I’m doing
And the regret would tear you apart
And I’d be there to witness it.
Not much joy to draw from it because I’m a mess
You made me this

I’m still learning
How to wear your hoodies without thinking of you
How to wear the necklaces without getting memories
I’m still learning

I’m learning how to stop using you for comparison
Like I loved how he made me coffee, his was different
I loved his way of doing things
He made me laugh harder
Think better
Feel nicer
I’m still learning

I’m learning,
How to react when your name is brought up
How to stop clenching on my heart and cursing every nerve that still reacts to it
How to look straight and unbothered by it
Yet somehow, just somehow
Your name digs up memories I stay up every night to bury
And now it feels all new again
Like the hurt is new 
Yet I feel it everyday

I’m learning,
How to think about you without setting my soul on fire
How to listen to songs we used to love and act like I only loved them
How to write something that isn’t about you
I’ve failed, because this is about you

I’m still learning 
How to love the things in me you couldn’t
How to tell myself I’m enough even when you felt I wasn’t
I’m learning

I’m still learning
How to write down my emotions instead of coming to you
How to live a life without needing validation from you
I’m learning 

I’m learning how to be at peace with myself
How to settle with the gaps in me
The gaps that I still feel like only you would fill
I’m learning

But I’m daily faced with these unending thoughts
These unsettling feeling that I’ll never find someone like you
Or yet go back to being myself without you
But,
I’m still learning.

*_Sunset Desires_*