Again

I'm back here again
Feeling as if everyday I'm drowning. Being misunderstood. Running, trying to catch up while the world continues to be farther and farther away from me. How does everyone else do it? How do they keep the pace? How do they still smile? How do they still have energy to socialize and come to school every single day?

I thought my depression was over. But it suddenly crept up on me. Kidnapped me. Strangling me. Holding me down. Putting me in the spotlight, threatening me. Waiting for me to break. To stop acting. To finally reach my tipping point. To finally consume me. Leaving hallow eyes to an empty body and soul. Why? Why can't I control time? Why can't I move at my own pace? I'm trying. I'm trying soooo hard. Yet the results feel as if I barely tried at all. I want to scream. I want to shout I want to be comforted. To be hugged. To share this burden. To be spoilt and reminded that there's more to life than just giving and giving

To be reminded that I have a purpose outside of school. To unburden myself of these self-harm thoughts. Always thinking of standing in front of a coming car. To just be hit and go numb. To finally not wish there wasn't a tomorrow. But to fully embrace and cherish today. To not prepare for the hard labour. To not prepare to talk to anyone.

It's been a year since I felt like this. I'm overwhelmed. And I do not know what to do. I just want to cry it out. But I'm filled with the feeling once again. I don't know what to do. I'm acting mindlessly. Forgetting easily. Burdening others of work I can do. Yet it feels so much. Can't you see I'm crying our for help? Can't you see these water-brimmed eyes screaming for comfort? To be heard? To be understood?

But no one ever stops to truly understand me. And I'm back to carrying myself deeper in the swamp. Drowning in doubt and thoughts of self harm. I'm not suicidal. No matter how many times I've dreamt of a way out. The only things stopping me is the excruciating pain of dying slowly and hell.

Why can't I just exist? Why do I have to go through this lonely and tiresome process all over again? Why can't I ever just be okay?!