Thoughts in the night

My pillowcase, it smells just like you. Lately it seems to be the only way I can sleep. 

It's so hard that you're gone. Every move, every taste, every smell, every show and every song just reminds me of you and the things that we do. 

Constantly reminding myself that for some, comfort can be mistaken for love, loneliness can be mistaken for missing someone, and tears can be mistaken for all of it because we're safer not drowning in our own thoughts by ourselves so the one who understands us is the best escape we have; The only one we know. 

This home is no longer a home but just a dark and dreary temporary shelter. One with no light or warmth; just cold damp floors, a chilly breeze and terrifying silence. 

The only sound heard are the screams of my soul echoing throughout the empty halls and bouncing off of the bare walls. 

As I curl in a ball and pray not to wake up in the morning, I find myself trying to forgive you. How can you blame someone for not feeling the same as you do? You cannot; you can only blame them for giving you false hope knowing the whole time they didn't feel the same. How can you blame someone when you know they tried? You know they tried so hard to convince themselves they truly loved you in hopes their heart would follow? In the end it just didn't?

I cannot hate you because the love is so vast and powerful it leaves not even a crack for hate to squeeze through. 

I find myself praying. Praying you'll realize that I am not the person you ever thought I was. I was not perfect by any means but I was not a cheater and a liar. That my love was pure and true. That I never did the things you thought and I deeply did not deserve in any way how I was treated yet still fought to show you so you'd love me. 

I am not mad at you, I am mad at myself. I let myself stay in a situation I knew would be the death of me all because I could not get my brain to overpower my heart. Or maybe rather that I did not want it to. As I sit and stare at these now blank walls, dressers, closets and bed, I find so many things running through my head that I cannot make sense of any of it. It is all so overwhelming. The demons are screaming so loud I cannot hear myself think. The pain is so crippling its as if all my ribs have broken and punctured through my heart and lungs. Unable to breathe, feeling my heart slow down and my body start to go numb; I pray. Dear lord, please just take me now for I cannot bare to be on this earth in this shape any longer. Please end my pain so I do not have to. Please watch over my children and family and fill them with your joy and love. Most of all please watch over him. For you are the only one who can fill all the voids I tried to fill. The only one who can fix all the problems I tries to fix and the only one who can give him all the love he never received and could not accept from me. Please fill his life with everything he deserves and everything I tried so hard to share with him. 

Amen. 

I've prayed this prayer repeatedly yet i feel no relief. 

If anything the pain proceeds to remain and only get worse. It is truly like peeling my skin off with my bare hands and feeling every ounce of it inside and out. Never blacking out. Never getting a moment of relief. The void where my heart and soul used to be is such a horrible, painful, empty everlasting feeling because I gave every last inch of them to you. I cannot replace those. Nor would I want them back as horribly shredded as they are. 

Please excuse me as I continue to try to figure out how to walk amongst the living while I am completely dead. Excuse me as I learn to mourn the death of my life that was planned, my family that I so badly yurned for and the death of two people that are still alive. One whom I cannot be with and the other I simply cannot be.