Entropy Aglow

You will never know how I truly feel. Making myself sick, looking in the mirror. I see a version of myself I never knew was real. Remembering the suffering. Remembering all the friends I made and lost along the way. Moonlight draped over a dead body. I refuse to elucidate. I am fleeting and I am nothing. Trying to remember you, I look through old letters and feel empty. Taking the bus to the museum. Isn't it a shame the sky is blue and the sun is big and I am nonchalant? I haven't looked at my emails in months. It's not that I don't care, I'm just bored of it all. The explosions in my ears, weaving whispering seas between us. I cut myself on the rocks and threw myself out of a moving train, and felt the wind brushing against my rosy cheeks. I know fine well you're not good for me, when I feel like dust and flames with no sympathy. 

The sky is an illusion                                                  

Wearing a different heartbeat                                      

Nomadic                                                                    

Entropy aglow                                                          

My heart is a graveyard                                                

Everyone I know is a ghost 

Hopelessly heartbroken. Everything is flowing in slow motion. I'm living for the moment. Too stubborn to say sorry when I'm in the wrong. I want to be the bigger person, to acknowledge my demons. A sad song that fucked me up. Love that fucked me up. Even now, I want a boyfriend but I don't want to get my heart broken. Hopelessly heartbroken. I can't relax until I know where my phone is, until my money is spent on the moment. The last place I left my sanity, and swam back, lighter, but broken, with empty pockets. I've tried to block out the kisses that haunt me. Your cold hands on my body. I envy your happiness. Little ghosts and hot embers. I go out to bars and get lost at night. 
Wanting to taste your skin again. Nosebleeds and bruises again. I never did like the sound of my voice, but I'm home again. I'm a king again, sleeping in darkness again. I seen the future again, remote again, not entirely myself again. In a spider's web again, watching the leaves falling again. I walked through the forest, making ribbons out of clouds with a sad smile. My feelings intensify when you push me away and I never know when it will happen, the purity of silence.  Today I thought of you and those red-letter days. I dreamed of you, just thinking about you. Wishing I was normal, just for a moment. Wishing you would stay.  Forever is a kind of sadness I don't want to feel. Forever is something I made up. Forever is not real. Not anymore, not anymore.