Once a love poem

ONCE A LOVE POEM

I took the shortcut home today
Through the hills that scatter along the valley
My normal nature-trail back home
Normally filled with the spirit of adventure
Except today, I’m lost
Not between these escarpments 
But between my thoughts

My mind rests not
And somehow,
My lungs seem to have forgotten their main objective: breath
My feet feel heavier by the second
Like they’re dragging me to save me 
Save me from what? Hasn’t the damage been done already?

I stop to myself
And call out to my inner child
That broken little girl
I need to let her  know that I’m still fighting
And that we are still learning

I take this path everyday
But today, today it feels strange
Like I’ve never been here before
Like I’m lost
Like something is missing
What exactly?

‘’Save me! save me! ‘’
My heart yarns out
And slowly I can feel it bleeding out
Clawing its way out of my chest
I fall to my knees
The pain is unbearable
What is this?
Why so much pain?

I lie down on the ground
That raw heavy smell
Dusty, watery, earthy, muddy, stimulating smell
It feels good 
Feels alive
Perhaps more alive than I’ve ever been
Thinking of it
The past few days have been the hardest
And nothing seems to add up anymore

I grab a fistful of soil
‘’Stay with me,’’ I whisper     to it
Not that it hears me anyway
But I need this, 
I need someone here

I continue lying down
Hoping that somehow, just somehow, this place I’m lying on opens up and swallows me whole
Or somehow, just somehow, it would rain and all these feelings would be washed away
None of that happens
 I get on my knees and start digging with my hands
Deep enough is all it needs to be
So I can burry these photos and all these memories
Deep enough to never resurface 
Deep enough to be gone and forgotten

I start throwing the photographs in the small pit-hole that my brain has convinced me is graveyard
With tearful eyes I cast them in
And grab the soil to cover everything up
This should do it! 
The memories are gone! 
They can’t hurt me anymore! 

I wipe the muddy hands on my dress and get up to leave
But something holds me back,
I take one last glance at my roughly covered up grave
Looks like a sad attempt to hide something

"Move" ! I yell to my feet that somehow feel rooted to this place
"Move, I beg you!" 
But not a single step
I relentlessly fall back down
Crying because of my failed effort to live everything behind
Silly of me to think it would be that easy

I dig everything out and throw it in my bag
Now I don’t just have memories
I have dirty memories 
And this event would replay in my head for the few nights to come
Endlessly as I try to clean everything back to how it was
Oh my love
Why did you have to leave?

*_Sunset Desires_*