Trauma

I don't know what to write anymore
People who ask about my poems
They tell me to, show them
But i can't
Cus I'm not going to let anyone see my real life
I'm not the perfect kid everyone sees
I'm not happy
I'm not confident
Or chill
But that's the act that I've endured for years
I've learned to lie
To make up things without any anticipation
To have the biggest smile on my face
To Laugh
And talk
But inside I feel my chest ripping
I feel my soul losing touch with life
My head feels fuzzy
And everybody around me mutes
They're put on silent
Just as I zone out
But no one notices
No one cares
And it's funny that the family that you're supposed to be supported by doesn't notice
In fact, they're the ones that are more lost in this
My friends or people who I've recently met know more
They see beyond the smile
They ask
They question my feelings and actions
Because the very few people on this earth that are close to me care
And yet I'm so good at hiding that they just let me be
They think that I'm really fine
But I'm not
And now I don't know what to do with these feelings
I don't know if I should speak up
Because it's hard to act around and not be myself
It exhausting to pretend and to change my personality
But I don't think I could hold it much longer
I just wish that I could finally say what's been destroying me inside
That I could finally have a say
And to tell the doctors to go to hell
To tell all the men in the world who abuse to go to hell
To tell the person who sexually abused me when I was 6 years old to 9 almost 10
That he should go to fucking hell
To say bitch you should rot in hell
You should've never done that
Should've never touched me or raped me
I don't give a damn if your not man enough to keep your pants to yourself
Because you sexualized me and left me numb
You left marks that no one can erase
But I can't tell you that
Because you died
And that is the only reason why you stopped abusing me
Cus you died
That is enraging
To think that even after years of dying I never said anything about
And when I did
Things went so wrong
It's hard to say that I felt comprehended and loved
But now I just hope that I don't have a breakdown
Or that I cut deeper
And hopefully that I won't kill myself

Trauma.
Drama.
Melodrama.
Aura Of The Depressed.
Stressed Out Outcast.
Blast After Blast, Of This Reality, That Kills.
Skills 2 Pay The Bills: The Only Way 2 Get By.
High: What's Your Pleasure? Asked By A Voice Very Shy.
Die, Die, Die Constantly Heard By The Suicidal.
B.I.B.L.E. Or Satanic Verses?
Rains. Rain Falling On A Familiar Soul N A Coma.
Trauma.

The ticking clock
Shouting at me to get out of the loft
The urge
to scream
to cut
to bleed
But i don't
One more hour on the couch i just sit
If i get up i might die, i repeat
The clock doesn't listen though
It tockes
I try to talk
To a friend a parent a therapist
But over the phone they can't see my eyes
So they don't know how much i wanna end it all
Everyday
more stress to redeem
Voices to shut
Abounded needs
So right there i stay and fall asleep