suicidality

giving myself a reason to die every waking moment keep stacking the losses

the cringe and convulsions

anger and repulsion

to make me do it

please.

and you better not cry

 

i convince myself one day

it’ll be enough

to be permanent again

enough to truly end.

 

not my obsessive annunciation of my thoughts to escape

 

when the memory burns back

 

i deserve to kill myself for the events of each day

 

you should kill yourself no one should be forgiven for creating that type of pain

 

do it kill yourself do it you should feel fire as you drown in the rain

 

i should kill myself

 

maybe you should fucking kill yourself

 

finger guns planted on my face

 

bitch kill yourself

 

for now the thoughts fade away.

 

self destruction of such massive proportions it has to be natural to have the patterns in my brain.

they told me about self forgiveness in those months away

but y’all know your words didn’t stick much anyways

you loved me and hugged me

brought me from a child to an ace

but you didn’t take up enough space.

i know that you worry,

i know that sometimes you may miss me,

i miss you so dearly,

all of you.

the center of attention,

the troubled teen,

just having fun,

i reminded you of

when you were young.

cause in rehab i came to live it up.

i’m in rehab what are you gonna do to me? 51?

honestly they should’ve a few times, but you know i’d laugh it off.

yeah it’s just me being dramatic as fuck.

it really does help to be funny and kind,

get on the staffs good side, baby you’re set for life.

my only witnesses are all of you other loony bitches

and you know i mean it with all the love i gave.

in life all of you have been used as slaves

to the brain

to the man

to the money

to the feeling

and maybe i talk a little too much

maybe im crass

i was the light in the day in a room full of growth and decay

borderline histrionic with the love of a lions den

your lives still changed who i am

i wish i wrote all the words you all spoke

the way you nurtured me even in words that you never spoke

i have so many options yet i still don’t cope

they say that i’ve changed i’m convinced i won’t

 

what did you all see in me?

 

 

why did you all encourage me to follow my dreams?

you recognized my intelligence

told me the envy of my confidence

but what have i done since?

 

you tell me i’m young, i’m gonna succeed,

but don’t you see that’s the most terrifying part for me?

i’m crazy.

i’m not ready.

let me be the one who keeps coming back.

you believed in me tell me i’m ready,

and maybe part of me is

but i just started my twenties fresh out the bin,

not sober even before i left,

all i know is sin

 

i wish i could see you all again, for all i know some of ya are dead.

it tugs on my feelings when i can’t stop thinking about the people who saved my life

snorting fetanal all over again,

but i’ve seen it happen

thank god he hasn’t crashed yet

 

but has life died yet?

 

when i remember who i am again

the text messages i wrote,

the drunk talk,

the way he spoke and the way i did it again.

those moments of love crash in fucking the violence

the chaos i endured

and what i gave out again.

 

you should kill yourself

fucking kill yourself shoot the bullet in your head.

bitch try killing yourself again

 

i could never tell you how low i could go,

because truthfully i don’t even know

how low you’ve gone

i’ve gone deeper

in a psychotic secretement of agony

of my demise

every inch of hate i put out

is the pounds i keep in

and when i scream

it’s like i’m screaming to me

every mess i make

the life of mistakes

all to make me truly go through

not in the pussy way that i do.

 

where there’s a chance i’m dying so little or i simply black out, or back out

 

only a few attempts have been real

but i failed at those too.

i basically have nothing to lose.

 

but those few things i remember still sing.

i hear your voices in my head again.

 

if you were the bad person you think you are you wouldn’t feel bad again,

you would be happy you hurt someone as badly

as the ones who smiled as you burned,

hit you with sticks until you had to purge

your identity,

humanity,

and security away.

 

you feel bad everyday, not everyone can say the same.

you got bad at 19 you decided to stay here

instead of spending summer and fall getting fucked up all day.

you might not feel like you’re doing enough,

but you stick to your guns.

not everyone can say they come in here

talking about

politics, religion, their past,

and fears for the future

and still put on a slutty outfit with matching makeup everyday.

 

you debate men in their 50s with no hesitation

and always have something to say,

you still make time to speak to almost everyone

and give most of your love away.

you inspire women older than you everyday,

only 19 and no one gets in your way.

 

except you.

it’ll always be you

who you’re fighting with

 

the meds and machines

they can go a long way,

but because your core beliefs are rotten

you’re already set on decaying today.

when your beliefs change

you will

everyone else will see it too.

 

maybe some of them have changed but i still feel the same.

i’ll keep yelling at myself to kill myself until the thoughts run away.