How Do You Feel?

I feel terrible every day and night I sit up in my bedroom wondering why

Why am I like this?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
Why Did I do it?
Why aren’t I them

Why aren’t I his gem?

Why can’t I be better than before?

Why can’t I lose this weight?

I could have swore he said I love you. Why does it feel fake?

Why did they make me cry every night if they loved me?

Why can’t I do anything right?

Why can’t I just take away all this pain?
Maybe I should..but what about my friends what about my brother my sister everyone

I should think this through

“I’ll be ok” I say to myself

When I know that isn’t it at all 

I wanna die. I know deep down I do.

I thought I was getting better

Maybe if they noticed maybe I should say I need help or I’m not ok

When they ask

How do you feel?

My dad doesn’t believe I have depression 

He says that I have the greatest life I could ever have

My Mother Says bring your grades up 

I say I’m trying 

She says no you are not you are just lazy

Maybe I am I think to myself or maybe I’m just drained

Now it seems like a chore just to wake up and do the simple things like make my bed or brush my teeth or just anything to be honest.

I told myself don’t stop trying

It just all feels fake now I wanna let go I tell myself.

I can’t but I can what would happen if I do

They don’t care I keep thinking

All those words are just words.

After all I’ll still be lonely 

But maybe that's all I need is myself..I try to tell myself

Like do you ever think to yourself and think you're not enough and everyone hates you when that's not true everyone loves you they say.

I tell everyone to go away

But I want you to stay but the words are stuck in my throat feeling like I’m choking 

I’m choking on those words

I want to reach out and tell them I need help but those are the three words I will never say

I can’t say

I can’t forgive myself If I do

I don’t know why

I don’t know much anymore

I’m just trying

I’m sorry if I wasn’t enough

But trust me I am trying

I say in the mirror 

For I am my only true friend

Also my worst enemy. 

I try to drown my sorrow out with music

It works 

I love how they can express their thoughts and feelings if only I could do the same.

Maybe this will answer my questions.

I turn to music the most

More than my own family.