my heart, five feet below the surface

i watched as she was pulled from the bottom of the lake.

i was only 17. she was only 6.

i watched as the godmother screamed, the siblings sat staring, the people started crying

all around me was emotion

and yet i felt nothing i thought i should have.

i didn't feel the sadness, didn't feel the grief.

but that's not to say i didn't feel. because i did.

but it wasn't the typical.

the cold lake water seemed to freeze my heart, until my fingers went numb and i went lightheaded.

i felt anger.

anger so big i screamed "call 911" until my voice went hoarse, rowed an inflatable boat back to shore until my arms went limp, ran until my heels started pounding like a migraine, sat in silence until i thought my ears would explode.

anger so big that, even though i still work there, there are some days when i can't handle it.

i can't handle seeing people not doing what they're supposed to be doing, can't handle the idea of someone under the water on my watch, can't handle the crowds of people that make it impossible for us to keep them safe.

can't handle everyone that doesn't understand. the fact that nobody understands, because nobody was there. except for me.

hiding behind fake smiles and hearty laughs, but my heart is at the bottom of the lake, even a year later.

anger so big that it's hard to contain the words i wish i could shout.

wear a life-vest!

don't go too deep!

WATCH YOUR KIDS.

anger so big i want to plaster up signs that says "we're not a daycare - we're a dangerous body of water!"

ready to consume and never spit out, a whale never returning jonah to the shore.

and i felt guilt.

guilt so big i don't think i'll ever forget that day, forget what i could have/should have/would have done better if only i had known

guilt so big that whenever there's a lost child, i wonder why we couldn't have found her, laughing on the playground, before she was cold on the lake floor.

guilt so big i can't tear my eyes away from the water when i have a zone of water as my responsibility, as it only takes a second for a child to go unnoticed under the water and then you find them 2 hours later.

guilt so big that i can't bring myself to watch the security footage, fearful that i could have been near enough to stop her see her save her.

anger so big that i hate myself for it.

guilt so big that i think it was my fault.

and sadness so big that nobody told me differently.