Journal Entry

I'm searching in the wrong places. Right now, I'm trying to dig within so I may feel content again. It's going to be a process. Unlearning the bad habits. Undoing harmful practices. I've got to yield my constant want to run away. That's what I've always wanted 

is to run away. I live in my head fantasizing anywhere but here

Anything that is not this

The right things will come in it's time. The hardest part is the waiting with faith. It takes time to adjust. I'm thinking of when I used to live with my mom. How she didn't care to enroll me in school. How we went into foster care and lived with strangers. I'm thinking of the itmes when things were out of my control. I used to smoke and life was so colorful. Now life is complicated and complex. Life's too short. Love is difficult. I have to heal while balancing the rest of life. I know millions of people are adulting yet for some reason I feel it's impossible. I have yet to do things, see what the world has to offer but I just want to throw my arms up in surrender. I'm scared to move on all alone with no guidance. With no love. No support. 

I just want to hide in my blankets and be left alone. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to be disappointed anymore. I want to be seen I want to be heard. For once I want to feel like I have a home. I fucked up my romantic relationship. The only person who truly loves me. I want to be selfish and keep him for myself, but I am not meant to be his. I wish I could take back the relationship. I wish I could forget what it's like to be fully embraced. I want to forget love because now I'll never let go. I feel lonelier now than I did before. Now I'm fighting between my self-worth and my desires. Giving away pieces of myself in search of something in return. I don't want to be used. I'm worth more than that. My energy is to be preserved. I feel so vulnerable and small. I think of the times of when I'd cut myself. Itching to escape my pain. I don't want to be strong. If this cycle of neglect continues, I don't know if I can continue to hold this weight. I'm battling between what's right and what's wrong and I just want to live.