Numbness

The stars are bright in my mind, I don’t know what to say or write

I’m done chasing dreams and more, I long for peace and love.

To see myself in the future when I’m better, I want that very much.

No need to drink or eat, just forget about the things I did before.

I see so many things and think even more, but I’m weary of my mind

And of my feelings that I can’t let go.

Please make me like a normal person,

Program me like a machine. To live like this is so painful

And yet I don’t want to lose this thing.

I don’t want to lose my autonomy, but its painful to even live

Knowing you could be successful, and be less than what they wish.

I feel so cold today, but to cuddle in bed would be such a waste.

Like all I’ve done, nothing is enough, breathing seems a pain as well.

Can’t do simple things, I waste too much space. 

I don’t want to think about myself or my needs, I feel such guilt just thinking of them.

Can’t even be sad, to be sad is to be a bother, to be ungrateful and annoying.

A waste of time, their precious time, for they have better things that occupy their minds.

Its a lonely life, knowing you can’t share this with anyone,

It would be just another inconvenience, better to shut up and pretend for everyone.

Smile and be content, you don’t want to dampen their mood,

They’ll frown and look at you, as if looking at a puzzle without clues. 

Even these words seem meaningless,

Who would care for them? Only my past self that wrote them,

For I do not, it’s a thing of yesterday.

And looking at them I can only think: How stupid I am…