Dwelling depression

I am sorry for seeking truth
It's all my fault- the wasted youth
Same strange way: my frail mind spins
Another rotation of old sin
Yet to find an effective way
To chain my beast unto the bay
Put my body on the stake
Mind so stressed, begins to ache
Show the world my headless name
Perpetuating a stupid game
Tear the skin off my face!
Don't deserve a social grace
Destroy my body with hands that trod
Show no smile or useless nod
I'm living by the way I've known
Nothing new; my useless goals
Still stuck inside my simple brain
Feeling, again: waves of pain
Sadness dwells inside of me
No new place I have not seen
Living in my house of lies
Searing skin, is no surprise
When i brand: I feel lame
Burning flesh still smells the same
Another night, my tormented dreams
Still don't think I'm anything
Insects crawl over the flesh
Have I surpassed my brutal test?
I think about a shred of joy
Constantly use it as a toy
Buy into this safety net
Still left alone with my regret
Gnawing at my prison cell
Send myself straight to hell
Familiar feelings from yesterday
What else really can I say?
Try believe I've sold my soul
Led myself into the cold
Suicide tempts me o so near
Will I last another year?
Way of living doesn't feel so right
I just want another life!
Give my body up to the earth
Morality becomes my own curse
Bore a hole through my head
Obsess on me in my bed
Toss and turn: I won't sleep
Tell myself: I'm very weak
In my brain, back it goes
Tell myself its all I know
I wake myself from my entreat
Reflecting on my own defeat
Drag my body down some hill
Is this really at my will?
Sometimes, I believe it's all okay
Cursing at my damn charade
It all seems so awfuly clear
Lost myself, nowhere near
Self induced-known deception
I tell myself that im infection
Conscious thoughts are not a gift
Furthermore I began to drift
Lost my heart to shadow being
Is this real: what I'm seeing?
Connecting to the afterlife
Making myself hold the knife
For all the sick punishment
I thirst again, just to resent
Put the tool into my guts
Turned myself into dust
Seems to me it's wasted chance
Look through myself: subjective glance
Death creeps here upon my land
Torture device in my hands
I pray again for my own death
Ask the question: what's really left?
How I trust this balancing act
Around the corner,
My attack!