mid of the story 6/30/2023

I feel terrible, i feel helpless even though thats not the case, i just wish i had someone to talk to, they wouldnt understand, i dont wanna show how i feel, im trying so hard to do better, but its like they're just trying to take over me even though they arent, why dont they understand do they understand.?!

i just want to be left alone even though i dont want to at the same time. people ask me how im doing, i said im great as always! but im not really, i feel terrible i want help but i dont, i just want someone you know that someone i might know that someone but that someone is far away no? 

im writing to make my self feel better thats what the internet said. what do i do, i feel a little calmed, but -

my head is full of all these scenarios that i think i could happen, they come and go, they feel so nice, at the same time how far could i go, everytime i feel like tearing up i suck it up.

even if i told them there's nothing they could do, they'll just say something that i dont want to hear right now, the only one who would tell me what i want to hear isnt even here so how can i talk to (unknown)

i think of things that could happen either nice or hell-ish at night before i sleep. Im a sweet person i try so hard is it so bad for something nice to happen to (me).
im always trying to do better to people than myself, even when im going through the worst things in my life i do what i can. so why cant i be treated with love, i know there's people going through worst things than me but all i ask for is a little. 

how can i do better if im being brutally hurt by mind, just let me be i just want to be left alone, all i do is be by myself and you just keeping pushing me back down, you say you want to help me but you do the opposite how can i depend on you. is it just me am i that bad?!

i think that im happy and they think im always happy and im impossible to be pushed down and be sad ever. but thats not true im dying with sadness and through that im taking care of the people around me, i try my best but its not enough is it? or is it useless

what am i doing. i dont know.
there's so many things i wanna do, i have dreams, i have people " a person " i wanna meet, there's so much i wanna do before i - 

the world is