To my children

My first born, you are my world, my motivation, my every breath I take.

My form of living. I give you my essence for you my baby girl I would kill to see you smile.

Innocent she is with her dark brown eyes, eyelashes that extend to the stars.

That twinkle in her eyes and smile can brighten anyone's day.

Tall she stands next to me, I proudly stand next to her, shout to the seas that she is not alone and has me.

 

To my second child, I'm sorry you couldn't see the light of day. I cut your life short.

For you were a mere fetus ready to shine but I couldn't conquer the world having you.

I'm sorry

but I couldn't bare bring you to this life knowing well I would not be able to provide for you.

 

To my third child, I feel you moving inside me, more everyday.

I'm afraid.

Afraid of the person your father has become.

I see no future where I could bring you and create something for us. My heavenly dear father accompanies

me on my nights of darkness. I'm sorry. For you must also not be brought into this cruel world I have created.

Gentle movements in my womb make me reconsider. I awaited this day only for me to wish it was long gone.

I wish I couldn't conceive. For I do not deserve this wonderful blessing. The day you get ripped away from me

will be a day where part of me goes away with you. My dear child, my words can't describe the pain I feel knowing

I will not be able to hold you in my arms.

I won't hear you say your first words. I won't see you take your first steps.

 

Only tears caress my cheeks as reality hits me in the face. I hope you can forgive me once you get to your destination.

My little blessing, bundle of joy. For I beg for your forgiveness.

 

As I lay here thinking of my sins,

I can't help but wonder how things would have turned out if only I had made the right choices.

 

Goodbye my angels.