Don't Kiss Sleeping Princesses

I was only sixteen, but I accepted my curse, without any fault.

For, a hundred years was nothing, I could do it in my sleep,

But I am quite averse to this threat of princely assault.

Must the solution always sit on the lips of a pedophilic creep

So now I sleep, anxious and scared high in a tower above my keep

Awaiting the coming of the inevitable contraction of mononucleosis.

It’s a good thing I set alarm too early instead, so I hear the beep beep

At 99 years instead. The moral is plain and true: don’t kiss sleeping princesses.

 

I was just fourteen, ain’t that shit fucked, I with skin as white as salt.

The apple was good, quite like Eve’s, though my fall was sudden, into sleep.

They laid me in a coffin of glass for voyeuristic princes to come and “exalt”. 

Prince Charming snuck up, at an alarming rate, to pry open a casket, peep

A glimpse at an underaged princess. My dwarven friends had weeped

As the casket flew open and the prince went to kiss despite my current diagnosis,

But I was prepared and sudden and fast I took a bite out his lip like risen zombie,

He ran away, blood stained teeth, never forgetting the moral: don’t kiss sleeping princesses.

 

I was but a young child when I first witnessed these films, plucked outta the vault,

Pretty they were, beautiful in color and style, but I was frustrated by the heroines asleep.

They got nothing to do, nothing to say, they just sang until their fate was cursed by Walt.

Oh, Walt, the antisemite king of bards who condemned many princesses to bleak

Existences with their date raping princes. Perrault and Grimm and Andersen, sheep

To the slaughter of this wizard of technicolor, this archivist of the fairytale gnosis.

Unfortunately for him, he misunderstood the rules, and the princesses have now reaped

His petulant soul. In his dying moments he heard them say, don’t kiss sleeping princesses.

 

In all the great laws that poets do keep,

There is one, if broken, causes necrosis.

The moral, the rule of women asleep:

Don’t fucking kiss sleeping princesses 

 

See, it's that easy.