Self destructive wickedness arrested, convicted, and gaoled...

with kidnapping little boy

ordered to suffer

life sentence without parole.

The deadly scourge of
one obsessive/compulsive disorder

nearly left me starving to death.

Anorexia nervosa absent bulimia
nadir of onset
diagnoses schizoid personality disorder
severe social anxiety still legion I aire
behavior which agonizingly
elicited slow suicide

courtesy self starvation

maelstrom within psyche of self
as prepubescent lad

(particularly devastated
immediate family members)

as emaciation pitted existential
revulsion from unseen

wuthering heights
betook courtesy yours truly

teased, hectored, and called “professor,”

when riding the school bus

nearly wrung death knell

annihilating fragile entity
christened Matthew Scott Harris

with peremptory imprimatur
yielding covalent bond to life

readily obvious to kith and kin

via zorro like signature per
profound perilous depressive
psychological state.

 

Now - at about

three decades plus six years
from attaining rank of centenarian

perfect 20/20 hindsight

offers supreme advantage from
swift current near drowning
alluded earlier when das scribe
juiced thwarted leapfrogging
from pollywog tad metamorphosed

to witness puberty,
whence devastating emotional
crisis tripped, trilled,

and tricked aborted

natural healthy development

chronological denouement demise

jump/kick started

theorizing numerous educated guesses

within mind of

middle progeny and sole sol

(of the both late father and mother

Boyce and Harriet Harris) respectively

why he willfully hurtled his flesh
at light speed

down the abyss toward death.

 

Literal and physical lightness of being

manifested within nooks and crannies

prior to full blown symptoms

to eliminate sustenance

drawing the curtain on brief residence

way before high noon of life.

 

Metamorphosis from boyhood

kindled burning man

found solace in attempting

to keep at bay of pigs hijacked

natural cycle, which seminal

transformation grieved me

to pine for nostalgic childhood’s end
(albeit one fraught with romanticism)

vengefully interpreted attempt

to halt dead in the tracks
intervention of mother,

whose nursing experience helped
fend off passive attempt

to promulgate passive

silent plan to fruition.

 

She whipped various nutritious
concoctions in the blender

to ensure minimal essentials to this,
I readily admit) famished body

in conjunction with applying
vital supplements into

one or the other skeletal

gluteus maximus

thru fuel injection,

which submissiveness to acquiesce,
and bare bony buttocks

to receive iron injections

did absolutely nothing
to squelch death wish.

I inexorably did buzzfeed

hashtagged eating disorder
to go on a deadly hunger strike,

which essentially constituted
declaration of independent control

despite horrendous craving
for food jabbed innards like a pike

bifurcated psychic division

to live ousted coeval death wish goal

to seize yore reminiscent
blissful, (albeit fictional) childhood
over flooded self made damned dike

engaging, engendering, engineering

propensity to catapult yours truly
into abysmal emotional hole

and way before the invention
of Facebook, I mentally clicked like

to surrender mailer daemons all
of me healthy development stole.

 

Imprimatur indelibly etched decades
after bout with passive exit from life

crimp on psycho/social skills plus
stunted physical growth cuts like a knife

affecting mental health with panic attacks
and anxiety although existence

considerably less riddled qua
debilitating symptoms

(such as vertigo, racing heart,
profuse sweating, nausea, irritable bowels)

 

relying on the following prescription medications:
BUSPIRONE HCL 15 MG TABLET

CLOMIPRAMINE 50 MG CAPSULE
CLONAZEPAM 0.5 MG TABLET

FLUOXETINE HCL 40 MG CAPSULE

GLYCOPYRROLATE 2 MG TABLET

PRAZOSIN 1 MG CAPSULE
PRAZOSIN 5 MG CAPSULE

RISPIRIDONE 1 MG TABLET

ROPINIROLE HCL 1 MG TABLET.

 

To add insult to injury
yours truly also gifted

courtesy split uvula

but did little to ameliorate

the writer of these words

suffering brickbats as scape goat,
whereby severe adenoidal vocalizations

allowed, enabled, and provided
an easy target viz black barbs
poised to strike, hurled,

and bullied me by peers.

 

Up until I entered six grade

(at Henry Kline elementary -

a one classroom per grade school)

classmates bullied, derided,

and feigned to hammer -

jabbing leering, nasty pimping ragout as a rule

which boyhood self of mine availed

a perfect bullseye target

with combination of diminutiveness,

being painfully quiet,

 

essentially remaining mum the entire day
except when called upon

to answer question
thence utterance emanating between lips

produced and emitted

a strong nasal sound to boot

grist for the mill

sans malice meted, mimicked,
and mocked mashup

of mine warped congestion

ah, twas only by a fluke conversation,

 

whence speech pathologist

informed my parents about

The Lancaster cleft palate clinic,

where oral an examination

revealed minor birth defect

identified as a submucous cleft palate,

which explained the severe pinched twang

somewhat mitigated by wearing

a removable prosthetic

fastened with clasps to upper teeth

 

whereby a makeshift miniature

plastic protuberance closed the gap
(at the expense of practically gagging me)

so air would be prevented

passing thru my button nose,

and thus gentle and soft as a shutterfly

shunted air out oral opening

though congenital defect disallowed

returning merchandise back to sender
nor could blame be affixed

 

at either father nor mother

who both harbored the genetic mutation

now such admissions

re: aforementioned impediment allows,

enables and provides boasting rights
if in a mood temper

any curiosity or satisfying a rumor
whispered down the alley
whence I said “ah”

left nagging nincompoops

as if pie hole filled with a gobstopper.