How I See the World

I sometimes wonder
if i'm the only one
that feels as if I'm
living inside a box

looking out
onto a world
I don't recognize,
afraid to step out
beyond my threshold 
of safety for I might die
or forget my way back.

I see
all the regular people
enjoying life, expressing emotions
as if it were easy and common place
an every day affair.

I don't understand it
I wish that I could do the same
but i'm trapped and
can only pretend to know
what they're feeling.

When I put on a smile
it is an act of will
hidden in deceit
for I've trained myself
well enough to mimic their faces 
so my smile looks genuine.

It saddens me to know the joy of 
what happiness brings for
others because it is beyond the realm
of possibility for me.

And while I'd like to say I can feel,
know, maybe guess what its like
I have no way
of truly discerning
what love
is either
what it's like to have my cheeks gush
as a lover's perfume wafts in front of my nose,
or the warmth of a hand as it caresses across my face.

Some say its never too late to learn
but I don't think I'll
ever be able to.

I'm scared 
that I'll be discarded
and left in the box 
away from others
alone by myself
forever to spend eternity
in this dark place
but this time it will be much worse
all the windows of my box will be black.

Perhaps a blessing in disguise though
as I won't be able to see 
others casting wishful thoughts into my head
with me being left behind.
I will be spared the pain
of ever knowing what existence
I'm possibly missing out on.