if only

Something is weighing on my bones 

I feel the strain

I hear the cracks

The pressure pulls me down, 

Like gravity is holding the strings

I feel my shoulders sag, 

My back bow and stoop 

And my heart 

My heart is torn 

Not once, not twice

But 5, 10, a million,

And then some

Wrenched in every possible direction 

Pieces scatter through the air

Floating far away from home 

Or towards it

She calls them 

She calls me

I hear her 

I scream 

My mind is splitting, 

Running through every possible scenario 

Overthinking the slightest things

Dreaming for every ‘what if’

My back bends further, 

The pressure slowly building 

And quickly becoming too much 

Silence, silence, silence

My mind pleads

Sobbing 

If only, if only, if only

My heart chants 

Quavering 

If only 

If only

If on…

If….

…