Lamenting life lost before mine untimely death

Last rays of wicked flickering candlelight

even to this present day
(October 4th, 2023)
lxiv anniversaries marking birth
emotions of ambivalence self directed at me,
and family of origin diatribes still career,

within psyche of Matthew Scott Harris -
less plain as day when prominent dearth

of attentiveness, compassion, empathy,
et cetera totally absent
without leave, and dear

father, (who art thou in heaven yet,

or the closest equivalent domain
linkedin with atheists)

approximately ninety one

and a half years since expulsion

out swollen womb

of Sadie Harris' pregnant girth
housed Boyce Brandon Harris

approximately a dirty deed done dirt cheap
orbitz around the Earth.

Since mcmlix, the year
of my parturition, an aversion
vociferously prematurely ejaculated,

viz non verbal
communication as if...spark of life
extinguished within mine shuttered hearth
nsync with mother (long deceased)
vividly evinced sole son lack of mirth

matter of fact gamut
of all feelings except despair

(stayin alive until

 

for whom the bell tolls)

constricted self worth
gripped (strong as strangling
choke hold), where anorexia nervosa

squelched necessity to eat plus,
apathy to attend to personal care

spelled disaster (even impossible
for FEMA to aright)
psychological illness offshoots infected,
this entire body, asper blight

dulling that preschool boy with
his demeanor cheerily bright,

a pallor of gloominess enshrouded this lad
blocking, crushing, destroying... daylight

additionally quashing will power to fight
off thee mailer daemon, a deadly parasite
lodged evil doppelganger fought
tooth and nail being ostracized
throve to truncate more'n foresight,
considerably less self actualized versus

present pained realization, plus violent bent
evidenced by self starved
inflicted suicide, not gunfight

since parents opposed firearms,
anyway no matter, cuz height

of determination to perish (albeit
passive) exhibited pathetic might
effortlessly overwhelmed, since
corporeal defeated essence

i.e. emaciated flesh light
as a feather defeated thru thine dada

decreed diktat, and
maternal instinctual millwright
both sets of chromosomes helping beget,
asper this scribe learning
late less a frayed
when gripping whipping cords

which will serve you

more than than ropes

compliments of nonpareil

Fiona Apple McAfee-Maggart

will do to play right.