The fight within yourself you do not know if you can win.

Wasted days hiding in the house so people cannot see the pain. Made up excuses on last minute canceling of plans for the ump teenth time due to suddenly feeling ill because there is no way i can be seen like this, and no way to hide it this time. Being rude to people I care about, making up reasons I no longer want them in my life at all, and blocking them, even though they truly did nothing wrong. Just knew me before he did or were the opposite gender. Hours spent caking on make-up I normally do not even wear to try to blend in the bruises. Figuring out how to turn pain and tears into silent screams and I'm sorrys' until I am finally alone. Learning to think on my toes to explain yet another random bump or bruise that was not able to be hidden. Learning to blame myself for things I know in my heart of hearts I did not do, or is not true just to make him feel as though he's right, and I am somehow worse than him, and below him.  Learning to wear my hair certain ways and tilt my head so my neck is not to be seen. Learning to walk on egg shells and keep my mouth closed unless spoken to, so I do not accidentally irritate him or say something innocent that he can twist into something evil and ugly.  Blaming my health issues like my seizures and saying, "oh, yes i had another one and just bumped my head again, im ok thanks for asking". Training my emotions to go numb while my face remains happy and smiling when someone secretly asks me if I'm ok, or "if he did this" because they KNOW I'm lieing, and I HAVE to convince them I'm not. Forcing lies out of my mouth to seem like they're truly coming from my heart, so the secrets stay buried down deep under lock and key. Purgering myself to ensure that he comes back home to me instead of locked away for another 8yrs for attempted man salughter, on me. Sitting for hours making up beautiful stories of things we've done together that he had planned just for me. Jokes that's he's told me just to make me laugh because he didn't see me smiling at that moment, and the sound of my laugh is like music to his ears. Posting cute little nothings that he does just to make me happy or see me smile, because seeing me sad breaks his heart. Bragging of the little things he does that would make other women swoon and fall instantly in love. Bragging about how I found the perfect man; he actually listens to me when I talk, and truly cares about what I have to say. He always asks me how my day is and waits to actually hear the answer. He always makes sure to randomly text me throughout the day,  just to let me know hes thinking of me, nomatter how busy he is at work. He sends me love songs to listen to because he speaks best through music. All things that I brag of knowing it'll make all other women jealous, and make me look so extremely lucky to have found this man, to be marrying this man. Scream proudly from the roof tops how insanely in love with me my man is, and would do anything to keep us together; to keep our family; our future safe. The cute way he always compliments me or hugs me from behind while I'm washing the dishes or cleaning, and kisses my cheek just to say "thank you baby, do you know much I appreciate you?" The way he brushes the hair from my face and holds my chin so gently in the palms of his hands;  kisses my forehead, nose, chin and then ever so softly my lips, looks me in my eyes and tells me he loves me and that he promises everything will be ok, when he knows im having a really hard time. The way he tries so hard to understand my mental illnesses and does everything possible to not only understand, but help me with them. The way he always has my back even when im wrong, and waits to talk to me about it in private calmly, so i dont feel attacked or embarrassed. The way he understands my PTSD so he tries to never make sudden, quick movements close to my face or scream and cuss at me to make me shut down and terrified. The way he knows just what to do when I wake up screaming, crying and in a panic attack from a PTSD night terror. Just holding me, letting me hear his heart beat so mine will calm and synch up with his; all the while not being bothered at all that I woke him; that he's exhausted, hes still just quietly saying I love you baby, it was just a dream, I would never let any of that happen to you again, its ok now, you're safe, I'm here. The way he takes care of me after a seizure and carries me to bed, never leaving my side. Helping me drink water, give me my medication and lay with me to let me know I'm not alone. Reminding myself constantly that all of these are lies so that I can hold onto just a little piece of reality that I have left. Reminding myself that the only times even a couple of these things have ever happened was right after the absolute worst of times, and only because of guilt; just to keep me holding on. You would think the lies would be harder to keep straight than the truth, but in reality it is the total opposite. I have told so many lies to make him seem like this amazing man that any woman would be lucky to have,  but they don't. No, no, I am the woman blessed enough to have him; that the lies became my truth and my truth became a mysterious puzzle that's hard to remember let alone put together. Even worse, in all honesty every other woman DOES have this amazing man that I portray him to be but I have lied so many times, made up so many excuses for his behavior, that I have begun to not only blame myself for that also, because he tells me everything he does is my fault anyway, but believe it and almost accept it. It's as if I am almost ok with it as long as he still comes home to me, because I love him so entirely. I have been so broken down that everything I know is now opposite. My truths are now my lies and my lies are now my truths. My morals have been altered to amend to his beahvaiors. My values have been demolished, just so he will love me. I still hold what little parts of them that I can though. I do not lie. I do not cheat or stray. I do not get emotionally, intellectually, or physically involved with other men. Or women for that matter. My life is still my children and him; while his life is everyone and anything he feels like at that moment. How did I get here? I walked away but I am still here. I am here in the sense that my world has stopped as his keeps going. My world is frozen in time as if we're still together just a long distance relationship or something. It's like when you're married and God forbid you lose your spouse. Your life continues on, you mourn, You grieve; but you act as though you are still married. You are still loyal and faithful to that spouse even though they are no longer there. It sounds crazy I know. I believe that is what true love is though. His was not true love but mine is; and true love is crazy, insane, it makes no sense sometimes. It is beautiful, it is ugly, it is easy and it is also the hardest thing you will ever do. True love is not just a feeling it is a choice you make every single day to wake up and fight for that person, and what you have together. If you wake up and look over and just feel like, "agh, I don't even like this person today. Why are the feelings gone?". Then you have that choice to make and either say ok; This has gone stale for now and now I fight. Now we sit and talk and we fight. We start dating again, we start the romance and the cute little surprises again. We bring back the flames that burned so bright to begin with. Or? Or you take the easy choice and you walk away like it's nothing and try to find it with multiple others, knowing it will end up the same and you will never even love them or them love you as much as the one you walked away from, just because it was the easy choice at the time, and you refused to face yourself and make the effort to change. Even though they were willing to fight by you're side the whole way. 

I am here. I am fighting; and I am fighting alone. 

No. I am not fighting alone I realized. I am fighting myself. I am fighting the part of me that knows without a doubt, that just because I am in love with him, walking away was the best and healthiest decision of my life. That it saved my life. I am also fighting the part of me that because I am in love, I want to stand by my words and stand by his side because when I said them, they were not just words to me. They were promises from my heart and soul. I am fighting the part of me that wants to change him or thinks I can. That wants to wake him up before it's too late and help him get help and change. I am also fighting a part of me that already knows it is too late. The damage he has done might not be visible and permanent on the outside. But it is most definitely permanent on the inside. Emotionally, mentally and now I have found out physically. Those scars can never be undone. They can never be reversed or forgotten. Yet I still find myself praying daily that a switch will flip and he will just love me, but love me the right way. Knowing he never will. 

The love is not lost. It is however forever altered.