What Hurts?

What hurts is how I know it was me

Who watched as I broke

It hurts to know

That me

And my shitty coping skills

Were the only ones there for me

 

What hurts is when the people I’ve lost

Come back to haunt me

They know it hurts

They fucking know it does

I’ve told them as much

At least, in my head I did

 

What hurts is the way I think 

When I overthink

When I do nothing but think

When I think of ways to harm myself

When I think of words

Worth someone else’s love

 

What hurts is the way I look

The way I judge myself

The way I can’t be like everyone else

And find the motivation

To change

I just can’t, okay?

 

What hurts is the way

I leave

No words

Every thought

Poured out onto paper

How did they not notice?

 

What hurts is when I zone out

The only one to ask

If I was OK

Was the one who killed me inside

I was OK

But only if OK meant: self-hatred

 

What hurts is the way

I know I’m a selfish asshole

I hear what people call me

And I know what they think when they see me

But it’s how they make me feel

Like I really am a selfish asshole

 

What hurts is the way I fall

Every time someone leaves me

I break

And it hurts

It fucking hurts

And people expect me to just move on?

 

What hurts is the way I can't cry

The expectation put on me

"You're a big girl now"

Can an adult not have a good cry?

I guess not

But it's whatever

 

What hurts is the way

I'm hurting inside

It's just the way I am

The person I can't be

Is always happy

But I guess now it's time to leave