Trigger Warning

They said it would be fun
They said I should relax and not make it a big deal
They said I shouldn’t be a loner anymore
That I should hook up with a guy and drink a few beers.

I didn’t want to go.
I wanted to stay home and hang out with my closest friend
I didn’t want to go to a club with loud music and a gigantic crowd.
I wanted to stay home.

But I listened to my friend because I wanted to fit in
The club was loud and crowded
People shoved you around like garbage
I was dressed in a short mini skirt and a skin tight blouse that was see through
I didn’t fit in, but I did at the same time.

I got catcalled and men whistled at me.
Although I felt ugly, I felt beautiful and worthy
I didn’t have the guts to walk up to this guy
Who was standing with his group of friends
Who was tall dark and handsome, what every girl wants
I had to work up the courage, walked up to the bar
I took a couple of pints and drank it all.

I felt different
My body began to shake
My mind began to race and was no longer the same.
Blue became black. Purple turned pink.
I ran to the bathroom
Fixed my hair and makeup because I got so sick. 

I needed air.
Why did I need air? Why was I not the same?
Why did I feel so tired and -

My eyes completely shut as I went faint.
I was behind the club and I couldn’t stay awake
No music would wake me 
But then something changed.
I felt two cold hands on my legs
Trying to take over my body
I began to awake to see that guy I saw with his friends taking advantage of me

His breath was like cigarettes 

And his cold hands were like spiders 

Crawling upon me, trying to take over me 

I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to see him, so I can at least pretend I was dreaming. 

 

It all happened so slowly.
Every minute I was awake asking him to stop
He ignored me and was in his own world.
Continuing for what seemed like hours

After he left he said nothing.
I went back inside
Walked past my best friend
When I was too ashamed to say what he did to me
I just ignored her and walked outside
I called a taxi to bring me back home.

I walked through the front door.
Slamming the door shut.
I slid down to the ground
I began to cry so loud my neighbors heard me.

I ran to the bathroom.
Washing away his smell and touch.
That night I couldn’t take it
I had been violated when I wanted to have fun
I didn’t believe it
Why didn’t I stay home watching Netflix
If I hadn’t left I wouldn’t be like this

I called the police and when I told them what happened they didn’t believe me
I could feel it, i was wanting attention and how I dressed meant I actually wanted it
But I had physical scars and inside too

They gave him four months with 2 years probation
Is that what my life is worth?
The physical pain and mentally suffering has changed me forever and has permanently scarred me

It’s been 8 years and it still affects me
What he did, I didn’t consent to
My entire world fell through
People have looked at me differently since they found out

My best friend who was there with me that night
No longer talks to me
When I asked her about it she said it was her fault and that she couldn’t look me in the eyes because it reminded her of what happened to her
I didn’t realize that she was violated: it was me not her

I still ask myself 
Why the hell did I go out to that club?
To make people like me?
To fit in? To have a little fun?
That night was the worst thing that happened to me.

 

But guess what? 

It's been a few years 

I’m better now 

I don’t let what happened to me define me.