I'm sorry

Sam.C

Dear mom and dad,

I wish you knew i was trying

Cause everytime i mess up

I feel like i fucked everything up

I don’t just remember one thing

I remember everything

I remember the times where 

I was just being myself

But some how i did it badly

I try to fix things

and mess it up even more

Mom, Dad

I wish you knew i was trying

I got stuck trying to be perfect

Just a few years ago everything was simple

Now everything hurts

And i’m stuck 

Waiting

And i’m not sure what i’m waiting for

Cause i want to die 

Cause I hurt

But if i die then others hurt

And somehow that hurts me more

I wish you could look in my head

And finaly understand

All the things i couldn’t have said

I wish i was a better kid 

I wish i could have the this i never got

I wish i could get better

But i know i can’t

Can’t you see im trying 

But i don’t have the energy anymore

At this point i just want to fade away

Im sorry for being a disappointment

I'm--

I'm sorry

 

Dear brothers,

I’m sorry

I’m sorry i couldn’t be who you thought i was

i ‘m sorry that i was ment to be your role model

I’m sorry i wasn’t good enough

I wish i was better at being your sister

You deserved more

I didn’t deserve the way you looked at me

Like i was this 

Perfect person

Every time you look at me like that 

I feel like a liar

A fake

A phoney

A fraud

I’m sorry for not being able to stick around

And i hope you'll be fine after im gone

I hope you turn out better than i did

I hope you chase all your dreams

And stay you

I’m sorry i couldn’t stay to see you reach your dreams

But now i get to reach the stars

I’m sorry please don’t be mad

But i have to go

It’s for the best

 

Dear friends,

Im sorry for not being a good friend

Im sorry i couldn’t help you

I’m sorry if when i go away 

It ends up hurting you

But im hurting more right now

And i just want it all to end

Im sorry for being such a shitty person

And a sob story

I’m sorry for making you worry

And i’m sorry that you wasted time with me

I hope you don’t take this personally

Cause the time i had with you was fun

It just wasn’t enough for me

I hope you won’t hate me for leaving

But i have to go

The voices say so

It was nice while it lasted

Im sorry

Im sorry for lieing 

With my words

And with my smiles

 

To myself,

I’m sorry for hating you

For making fun of you

For judging everything you did

I’m sorry for not getting you help 

I’m sorry for making you feel like shit

I’m sorry for making you help other people

For making you try to still others hand

When yours were shaking

I’m sorry for not taking care of you

Im sorry for hurting you

I hope you’ll be able to heal

I hope you’ll find peace 

In the center of a storm

I hope you can find calm

In the edges of hurricanes 

Im sorry for making you lie

Every day 

And in every way

Im sorry for making you deal with demons

Im sorry for making you share space with

Voice, Emotion, and Mask.

I’m sorry for making you act like you were fine 

When you clearly weren’t

Everbodies lives are stories

And everyone has a chapter

That they don’t read out loud

Im sorry for making you hurt

And for making you help

Im sorry for not letting you feel

what needed to be felt

I’m sorry for everything 

Im sorry for making you go through hell

Sorry for not helping you

Im sorry 

I’m sorry for not being able to listen

Im sorry for not believing you

For the times you spent trying to help

All of it going to waste

Im sorry for not being able to help myself

Im sorry for not being able to fight anymore

Im tired of being around

And tired of being the one fighting

I just want to sleep 

And to sleep forever

I’m sorry that you had to live with me 

 

To the crooked man

Ha ha

Looks like you won

You’ve been pushing me to do this

I would have thought youd finally be happy

But nothing makes you happy

Does it?

Looks like you won

Why are you laughing

Is it cause i didn’t take enough pills

I didn’t cut deep enough

Did i tie the ropes too loosly

Why are you still here

Looks like you won

Don’t you have someone else to taunt

I know im a coward

I know im weak and pathetic

I cant help anyone

Much less myself

You were right

I’m useless and nobody really needs me

I think im gonna need a push though

Youve been there for me

Nothinng too bad will happen right?

You said so

Sure, some people will be sad

But theyll get over it

They always do

Don’t worry nobody’ll miss something like you

A freak 

Misfit

Brat

USELESS PIECE OF SHIT

JUST DIE ALREADY DAMNIT

Take another pill

You’ll feel better after

One, ten, thirty

Tighten the ropes

Cut a few more times

Just for good luck

Take a breath and just jump

Trust me it will be fine

Just let go 

…………..

………...

…....

…..

...

..

.

ok

bye

  • Author: Sam.C (Offline Offline)
  • Published: December 1st, 2023 08:15
  • Comment from author about the poem: this almost was a suicide note for me. I did get better, relatively speaking. For an explanation of the crooked man. He essentially is a character that has often shown up in my dreams. if you can't tell from the poem the bolded area where i "write" to the crooked man is essentially what he says... along with some other things. i have a poem about him that I've written that i might post soon. also the phrase "Voice, Emotion, and Mask" refers to my first poem that I've written. It's not one that I've posted yet but i do plan on posting it sometime soon
  • Category: Family
  • Views: 5
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Comments2

  • orchidee

    I don't mean this insensitively - there's the joke: 'Keep taking the tablets, and you'll be better'.
    In this case here, don't keep taking the tablets! Doh!

    • Sam.C

      don't worry. it was just a bunch of melatonin. the amount I took probably wasn't healthy but it was better than me getting the Tylenol out. I probably should be medicated but that would require talking to my parents.

    • Lil

      ........................................I jus-- Just don't know what to say. Wait yes I do I am so so so very sorry for what you've been through. Just plz keep it cool.

      • Sam.C

        thanks. I started going to therapy and I've found some better coping mechanisms along with poetry

        • Lil

          To be honest therapy sucks I mean it's ok but it just sucks.I know because I'm in it too.



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