Secretly Hoping

I have a secret.
I sometimes dance when I'm alone. 
well not alone really, it's a boys' hostel, its 6 in the morning, and no one except those 2 boys in the study room is awake. and they are busy. so I am alone. 
like any other time really. 
I sometimes dance when I'm alone.
earphones in my ears, music to my mind, and the Force is with me. 
I hope no one sees me.
but also Secretly Hoping someone does.

and.. bear with me here, it's a layered secret. and I am secretly hoping a lot.
and I am also hoping that they don't make fun of me.
I am Secretly Hoping that they'll join in and enjoy it with me.
I am hoping they'll see that I want them to join in.
Or they don't have to join in.
they can just stand at the edge of the corridor where I am.
they can stand there and vibe in their own way. 
or just laugh at the mad crazy boy who's afraid of nothing at that moment.
cause in that moment he has won. this race to most clear happiness.
if only for a moment, he has felt it. 

and I am also Secretly Hoping, I am someplace else. somewhere else.
far away from this current place.
in a garden. no. a mountain? how about an empty street with a properly parked cars to leave space for me?
maybe too specific. but yeah, that works.
now I am dancing again. this time in a street, though again alone.
but Secretly Hoping someone sees me. really sees me.
please god, let it be a pretty girl. like in the movies. a cute, nerdy, shy one.
I am hoping, she'll laugh. and the world will light up. the night will turn to day.
and it will all be over. cause after that, there will be no going back.
no. it will burn my life. burn my thoughts and memories. and my sense of time and space. right and wrong. white and black. burn everything about me. and I'll happily pour the gasoline.
I am Secretly Hoping, that at least once in my life I hear that laugh.

and finally I am Secretly Hoping for one last thing. the most important part really.
i don't go to a street. I don't meet her there. I am back in the land of Reality.
back to being me. normal plain old me. who's winning right in this moment. alone. so terribly alone. but content.
and Secretly Hoping all that happens in this universe too.
cause why not? it's a secret. it keeps me eager for the good in life.
so I am Secretly Hoping that I never stop Secretly Hoping.
a sad end to a sad poem. cause i am bad at landing.