self-love.

it is not a burden to help loved ones
when my brother comes home
i ask about his day
pull him in for a hug
listen to him talk about his game
when my sister comes home 
i kiss her cheek
pour her a drink
ask her if there is anything she needs
it is not hard to love them
to get them an extra blanket
to stroke their heads
to listen as they speak

i have tried to hold the same patience for myself 
but it is not so easy
i cannot think over my day 
without cringing at the imperfections
i cannot ask myself what i need
and provide it
i cannot be compassionate
or understanding

i can only say i love myself
on days i wear short skirts and band shirts
on days my hair shines
and my foundation covers smile lines
but this is not genuine self-love
it is fleeting
fickle
it crumbles when my skin 
makes contact with makeup wipes
this is not real self-love

so tonight
i am wearing shorts, without tights
a hoodie that almost reaches my knees
yellow knitted socks
broken nails
wet hair
the version of myself
i don't want others to see

tonight
i look after this version of me
i brush her teeth 
get her an extra blanket 
and listen to her body's needs
tonight i prioritise genuine self-love

i will be patient
i will be kind
i will learn to love myself
to be gentle with my mind.

22:50pm - 20/11/23.