again

"AGAIN! I SAID AGAIN!"

i stood up on my pointe shoes and turned. again and again and again until long after the music had stopped and my coach wasn't yelling anymore.

again.

stand up on my pointe shoes and try again. 

eventually i stop. my legs giving out on me.

i look at my coach. she's in her sixties and still so beautiful. perfect. lovely. 

"you were off beat." she says. her cold harsh voice rings in my ears. it's like a slap to the face. 

i swallow and look down. i can't look at her. i can't. 

i hear the clacking of her heels and the shutting of the door. 

again. i practice again. she's long gone i know. but her words replay in my head. "you were off beat" 

but now she's back

again. 

again.

again.

"you have to be better" she tells me as i stay in an arabesque long after it's become uncomfortable. she lifts my leg higher and high. stretches my limbs painfully.

but i smile like who i am. a ballerina.

it's my job to be like this.

"higher" she tells me. i do as she says. 

but my limbs can't do it. they fall apart

i crumble to the floor

and i see her cold dead eyes staring me down

it's too much

i can't bear it

the disappointment in her face, oh its awful.

she walks away

and this time,

she doesn't turn back

and i cry into my knees