relief

almost 4 months have passed since heartbreak
i am surprised i made it this far
3 1/2 months, to be specific 
since that message, telling me i should leave
for my own safety

3 1/2 months of trying to figure him out
learning how to be open-minded
discovering symptoms of PTSD
at the sound of a notification bell
my phone ringing 
waiting for someone to finish typing
struggling to eat or sleep 

i don't know why everything happens 
at 3 1/2 months
it is oddly specific 
how prematurely my brother was born
the same amount of time i was homeless 

3 1/2 months of heartbreak 
and his sister messages me
i never want to relive the tachycardia
when her name flashed up on my screen

opening the message
on the brink of hyperventilating
bracing for the worst
but she said
i'm sorry for all the pain this has caused you
i am here to tell you 
he was innocent

i have heard the phrase 
"a weight lifted from the chest"
but this was the first time i really felt it
i dropped to my knees and prayed
thank you, thank you, thank you
for hearing me
thank you for helping me
and that love
the warmth was so strong 
it left my cheeks flushed pink for two hours

i talked to him that evening
said i think i coped quite well,
all things considered
his reply surprised me
i don't think you coped at all
you just suppressed it

for all my talk of feeling emotion
sitting with pain
holding grief in my hands
i suppressed a broken heart for 3 1/2 months

let this be a reminder
no matter how grieved you are feeling
there is light
and you will find it
you just need to hold on
until the timing is right. 

15:53pm - 24/12/23.