Mundane Memories.

thinking about memories held in the most mundane, everyday things
i walked down the stairs and the sudden realisation
that i have walked down them so many times
hit me unexpectedly
i used to slide down them as a child
you can see where the carpet is ripped up from the force of it
i remember sitting on these stairs before they even had carpet
watching cars out of the window opposite and singing, sister in my lap
joyful to have our own home at last
looking at those stairs and feeling so grateful to be there
there are holes in the banister from birthday banners
i look at them and remember the loveliness attached
to putting them up secretly, the night before a birthday
or walking down the stairs for the first time as a new age
full of anticipation
and seeing them hung

i remember my childhood abuser falling down them
and desperately trying to hold back my laughter
i know i should not find joy in others’ failings
but i still cannot help but smile at the memory
of his ego being crushed in that small moment
as he tumbled to the floor
how it helped me through the abuse
remembering him falling
remembering that we are all human
the wall above the staircase is chipped
from where he used to hang football pictures
i would stand there, believing i could fly straight through that wall
force my way out
leave it to crumble into rubble
eradicate all evidence of his existence
i look at the empty space there now
and feel the freedom i never had before
i could stand on that staircase forever

they are just stairs
but i used to eat my dinner on them, book in-hand
i remember watching, astounded
at how fast my brother could run up them
approaching them to find the cat looking out of that window
the same window i ran to
so i could wave to my mother
her boyfriend
my cousin
my best friend

so many memories held

in something ordinary

and then i consider
how many times i have thought myself
ordinary
and i wonder
what memories others hold in me.

11:26am — 17/10/23.