Suicidal

You will never believe me when I tell you that I am suicidal
You will never see me when I am suicidal
I always hide it when I am suicidal
Whenever I'm home I'm suicidal
Whenever I'm alone I'm suicidal
When in public you will never see me being suicidal
I always mask up my feelings of being suicidal, like Covid
I'm suicidal like Robin
These thoughts are just robbing 
Me from a happy life
Don't know which way to go
A hand full of pills, a gun, or a fucking knife
Don't want to live anymore
Wish I could just retreat from this war
Wish there was something more in store
for my life
Wish I could just look into the future
To see if I'll have a family and a loving wife
To see if I will finally be able to enjoy life
But right now all I feel is despair
Wish I could just disappear
Cuz everyday I feel suicidal
The urge to remove myself from this world
Fuck it maybe I will because
I'm suicidal
Not going forward like if I was at idle
I wouldn't wish this on my worst rival
Never gonna be someone's idol
Cuz I know
I'm suicidal
This shits on a repeated cycle
Why can't these demons just beat it like Michael?
If I ever say I love myself, that shits a typo
It feels like these thoughts have become vital
To my survival
I'm suicidal
They've been around so long like vinyl
These thoughts are so brutal
Due to them I'm always in a struggle
Just give me that pistol
I'm suicidal
Due to them I hate being social
Always in a battle
Everyday the pain just doubles
Everyday feels like it'll be my final
Cuz I'm just suicidal
Have you ever been suicidal on your birthday?
That shit hurts in the worst way
That's supposed to be your day
But instead you want it to be your last day
I'm suicidal
I wanna be dead more than I want to be alive
Ain't that crazy?
Or maybe
I'm just going crazy
Feel like this on the daily
Popping pills like some candy
But they'll never ever save me
No one can
They just don't understand
They all recommended therapy
Said that shit was the remedy
But honestly, truthfully
That shit fucking scares me
My happiness depending on pills
Taking away my will
So instead I'm
Cutting myself at will
Drinking bottle after bottle
Trying to drown all this sorrow
Feeling so numb, so hollow
Don't wanna live to see tomorrow
Cuz right now I don't feel a thing
Just so numb
From the suicidal thoughts
From the suicidal attempts
Plural as in multiple tries
Multiple times
I've tried to cut off the ties
That are holding me on this Earth
I don't even know my own worth
Just wanna leave this place behind
Just wanna leave all the voices behind
I'm suicidal