My Past

My past is a dark one
Don't really want to relive it
But feel like I've got to tell it
So that you can truly see me
See my entire journey
See the old me
See the new me
And see everything that I'm trying to be
This is just a warning
What you hear may need some parental advising
This shit ain't for the weak minded
I'll let you know if I ever find it
Find the key to happiness
It took me awhile
But I eventually found it
It was trapped deep within
My inner conscience
I had to endure in this dark journey
But I feel like I finally found me
Hoping that you will also see
Everything that I'm trying to be

Back in elementary
I was constantly
Bullied
For everything you can think of
Bullied for my weight
To be honest I was a cubby kid
Still didn't permit
The others to bully me
Bullied for what I said
Even tho I didn't know what the fuck was going on inside my head
This is the type of shit that makes me
Not want to speak in front of others anymore
Bullied for the clothes that my mama paid for
I swear these kids were just plain hateful
I had to learn how to walk on egg shells
Had to be careful
Learned to disguise myself in the crowd
Not making a sound
Bringing no attention to myself
That's what I had to do to survive
I believe that this was the original trigger
To all of these demons and voices

My first ever memory of these voices
Is when I tried to drown myself
Back in grade five
I didn't know what was going on back then
But I did know that I didn't want to be alive
I tried to drown myself in the pool outside
With no one else in sight
Trapped my head between the legs of the ladder
Do not remember what happened after
That is my first ever memory of all this bullshit

That would carry on throughout my life

Struggled with demons alone

 

For the next couple of years
Had to fight off so much fear
Didn't tell a soul
Cause I thought they would label me as weak
Think that I was seeking attention
Would be known as the kid with depression
So I didn't tell a soul
But never did I know
That come around to grade eight
I'd try to set myself straight
Grabbed every possible pill bottle from the cupboard
To fight off this struggle
Didn't even know half of these pills
Just wanted to end this all
Hoping they would kill me from the inside
Overdose, and never come back alive
Sat in my room contemplating
Whether or not to pop them
Wishing I just had shot gun
Starring as these bottles
About to go full throttle
About to swallow
Every one possible
But then something came over me
The voices that were forcing me
Suddenly, started rotating
Started fading away
Still to this day
Don't know why I didn't end it that night
Don't know why I decided to stay in the fight
But ever since then
The voices have been telling me
I should've went through with it
Should've drowned myself
Should've overdosed
Should've killed myself
Now I still have to face the demons alone
Not telling a soul

For the next couple of years
I remember I would always sit in the shower
For multiple hours
Only place I ever cried
The water disguising my tears in the flow
Bet you didn't know
Sat in there for hours
Turning the knob to full heat
Burning myself until I felt numb
Did this instead of talking to someone
For years at a time
Didn't tell a soul
Then I got older
Then I got wiser
Then out of nowhere
I decided to tell the first person
I was so scared
So scared of a judgmental stare
However, that was not the case
They helped me learn to face
My inner demons
They saved my life
More times than I can count
I owe my life to them
Thanks to her
I'm still in this world
Talking to her didn't fix my issues long term
But helped me leap over the toughest of times
Was a distraction from my mind
However, I still struggled with the voices inside

For the next couple of years 
Kind of stopped using my lifeline
As I know she had her own issues 
Didn't want to burden her life with mine
Thought I'd be fine
Then I started finding negative coping strategies
Instead of talking to her
I started talking to my knife
Turned to cutting
Took the emotional pain
And made it all physical
Took my mind off of my mind
Thought I could cut a smile
So I would never have to frown
So I would never have to feel so down
But now I have deep ass scares in my arms
Scares that will forever live on
That was there entire plan
Make sure that I'll never forget again
Even if they're gone
I'll never forget my past
My past that haunted me
These scares will always remind me
Remind me of my past that I'm trying to forget
Forget that
I'm done with cutting
So I started talking to the booze
It helped numb all the pain
Got so wasted
Could barely walk
Could barely function
Could barely talk
Spoke to the bottles of alcohol
For awhile, for a couple of months
Looking back now, wishing I hadn't gotten so drunk
I finally decided that I was done
I was done dealing with this
I was done cutting my wrists
I was done drowning all my problems in alcoholic drinks

I finally reached out to a social worker
Which I never thought I'd do before
At first it was very uncomfortable
And I was regretting my decision
But after a few sessions
I realized that it was helpful
And I was no longer so doubtful
In my self ability
To feel free
From all of my inner enemies
I wish I reached out sooner
Now I'm honestly good
Been sober for four months
Haven't talked to that knife in over six
Haven't felt suicidal tendencies in over three
I genuinely feel free
From all these voices
I can finally say that I'm done with this negative mind state
But looking back at it
I wouldn't change my past the slightest
It made me the man I am today

So I'm thankful

Thankful for everything I have endured

I'm surprising thankful for my past