My Family

Growing up I knew my family loved me
But sometimes it was just really hard to believe
My childhood wasn't perfect
By any means
Growing up my father worked long hours
There would be times where I didn't see him for days at a time
He would go to work before I even woke up
And wouldn't get home until late after I went to sleep
I wish I just spoke up
And told him how I felt
Cause going without a father isn't something I should've dealt
With
It took me awhile
But I eventually learned how to thrive without him
But now I know why he did it it
He did it for me
So that I could have the best life possible
I love my family to death
So don't get it twisted
I ain't dissing
My family on this track
Just speaking my own feelings and partial facts

During my childhood
I can't recall my father ever saying he loved me
To be honest
That shit fucked with me
Always wondering why I wasn't good enough
Thinking like that was really rough
Wondering if I would ever feel loved
Always questioning if he would ever truly love me
But eventually
I realized that, that's something he just doesn't say
I don't know what he dealt with as a child
But he's just that way
To be honest, I eventually learned how to live
How to live without a serious father figure in my life
That's just what it had to come to
It's what I had to do to survive
So I could stop questioning everything, like why?

Finally unattached myself from my family
Still loved them, but just needed some space to feel free
Trust me
I know that I am lucky
To have the family that I do
Just sometimes they make everything worse than it has to
When I was in my troubled mind state
It did not help hearing my parents argue
Like every other married couple do
I know it's a part of growing
But there were times I truly thought they'd get a divorce
Or check into some counselling
Maybe that was just my mind fucking with me
I really don't know
But I do know
That them putting their anger onto me
Didn't help my anxiety
Or all the negativity
They were just adding gas to the fire
The fire that already burned all of my desire
My desire to reach higher
I just got knocked back down
From the steep tower
I was trying to climb
Learned that I just needed to focus on myself and grind
But it was difficult
When everything within my family was getting messed up
Honestly kinda fucked up

Both grandfathers having a stroke within two months of each other
One more severe then the other
But both hard pills to swallow
One may never walk again
Truly paralyzed
Which is kinda how I felt with my struggled mind
It's hard to focus when they are both always on my mind
Always wondering
How much longer they have
Trying not to think about it
But that's just what has been going on in my family
Additionally
My dads always stressed and angry from work
Cause he owns his own auto shop
I just wish I could photoshop
A new reality
For me and my family
Especially now my dad needs spinal surgery
If he goes along with it
There might be a chance he is paralyzed
And if he doesn't go through with it
One day he might just wake up paralyzed
This is the type of shit that's going on with my family
You don't know what's going on within these four walls
Of my home
This is why I just want to be left alone
I've got a lot on my plate
That's just what has been going on with my family
I know they will always be there for me
But it's hard to share my feelings with my family
Because I barely talk to my family
Isolated myself
Don't tell them anything personal
Don't really trust them that way
Hopefully I will one day
Cause I know they will be there
And for that I'd like to say thank you
No longer hatful
No more anger
I'll forever be grateful
For my family