Trying To Trust

Dear God

I know it's been a while since we've spoken

And I know I haven't been the best at communicating but-

Lately my life has become so chaotic and confusing

I'm back in your presence and this time it's by my own choosing

For I am desperately afraid of losing but-

Do You even want me here?

Your children condemn me for the mistakes I made

And as they dig my grave I can't help but join in

They count their blessings while I count my sins like stars

Seven days a week turned into seven deadly sins

Do you love me any less than them?

I was happy without You

I was content without Your rules and regulations

The bible felt like one long list of condemnations

Am I going to hell?

Maybe You really don't know me that well

Blank shadows stare curating vulnerability and instability

I'm trying to trust your timing

But when I signed up for this whole Christianity thing

I neglected to read the fine print written in careful cursive consideration of who You made me to be

It seems like You're taking every good thing away from me

I'm trying to trust Your timing

But this road that You put me on is not what I thought it would be

I'm trying to trust Your timing

But I feel as if I am going backwards

People and places that once meant so much are now nothing more than a whisper of a distant memory

And it has to be my fault right?

I did this to myself

It makes no sense for me to blame anybody else

But-

It's a lost easier that way

Sorry if that's not something that I'm supposed to say

But-

I'm genuinely not ok

It's one or the other

Me or You

One of us is getting blamed

And I'm going to have to choose

I don't want to hate you

But I don't want to hate myself

I don't want to take my self esteem and put it on the shelf

To be forgotten forever

Because then I'll start to fall

Into a pit

A hole

A grave

Something so big that makes me feel so small

I've lived a life

I've been on death's door

I've laid down and felt my soul sink into the floor

And where were You

That whole time?

Where were You when I thought I was going to die?

Where were You?

The "sustainer of life"

Yeah right

Never-mind

I know You work in ways that we cannot understand

All according to Your expert, all-knowing plan

You formed me inside my own mother's womb

And You saved my life the second you stepped out of that tomb

Life's more than just a game

I'm more than a puppet on Your string

You've called me by name

And that's an incomprehensible thing

You looked at the oceans

So vast and so blue

You looked at them and decided the world needed one of "me" too

What love could be greater than that?

This is something I don't think I've ever had

No, I know it for a fact

This is the Creator of the universe calling Himself my Dad

And so now, I am content

With You in my life I feel like I can finally just rest

But at the same time, work hard

So I can turn into the woman of God I was meant to be at the start

I want to be a diamond

Created under pressure

But a humble diamond, I don’t want people to feel lesser

Like a diamond, I will reflect Your light

Not emit my own, I want my ego to be completely out of sight

Like a soldier, I’m ready to comply

Like a soldier, I think for You I’m ready to die

For the faith I’d give up my life

That’s far from where I was, holding wrist to knife

I have a purpose now

Only found in You

I have my identity now

In something that is undeniably true

I’m trying LORD, I really am

This is all still something I’m trying my best to understand

Wrap my head around it all

It’s all just so profound

I can’t believe that this is my life now

I’m trying to trust Your timing

And I think I’m getting better

And so to start this journey I decided to write You this letter

I’m trying to trust Your timing

So in Your presence I will stay

I'm trying to trust Your timing so-

Help me take it day by day

And so here I am broken and bruised and my only choice was to run back to you

For You're the good good Father

And You call me Your daughter?

I'm running into Your arms

Into Your sovereignty

Into Your omniscience

I wanna be Yours

Only Yours

With you front and center

Maybe I'll be better now

Only time will tell

Maybe You really do know me that well