Sharlene’s Weekend.

Oh it was the usual story, Saturday night. 8 pm.
I painted that red dress on me again,
Unfortunately I needed more paint.
I said, hello, to Morty on the way out as I usually did,
“So Morty still dreamin’ about you and me,
Aint gunna happen sweetheart.”
“Arr come on Sharlene we would be perfect together.”
I smiled and went to that sleazy bar on Elm street,
You know the one, “Ricks Casablanca Club”
So like totally original.
Anyway there’s this guy sitting there looking cooler than an ice cube,
Smoking a cigarette and giving me that look.
You know the look,
The one that says “hi, gorgeous how about we share a latte together,”
Of course I gave him the smirk,
You know the smirk that says  ”Sorry, I don’t mix the species.”
Anyway he comes over and buys me a Bloody Mary.

Well things are going okay. He’s not my usual type,
But hey a girl can’t be that fussy these days.
Then without any warning “clunk” this woman clobbers me on the head,
So I turned around and punched her in the kisser.
She went down like a sack of potatoes.
Growing up with 5 brothers sure paid off.
Anyway the guy gets to feelin’ maternal or something and goes with her to the hospital.
That’s the last I seen of them.
I finished my drink and went home to rest my sore head.
Morty was waiting in the hallway so I let him stay the night.
Sometimes I like to let him feel sorry for me.
You know what it’s like.

Sunday Morning.

Oh my God. I woke up at midday,
with a lump on my head the size of a golf ball.
My face looked like a cat had slept on it.
Morty was on the lounge grinning from ear to ear.
“What are you doing here Morty, I must have had my
7^th tequila.
You know I’d never let you stay if I was sober.
“Arr Sharlene we make a beautiful couple.”
Before I could answer there was a banging at the door.
Now what? It was Moses the Landlord. Wasn’t it.
“Okay Sharlene two weeks rent or it’s goodnight Irene”
Then the strangest thing happened.
Morty pulls out a wad of cash and pays my rent for me.
Maybe I was wrong about him.
Anyway I thought I should say thank you so I let
Morty buy me lunch. It was the least I could do.
At lunch this guy was giving me the eye,
I mean what is wrong with this world.
A girl can’t even have lunch without being hit on.
Anyway I called him over and we had the chat.
You know the chat ”So big fella what’s new”
For some reason Morty got up and left without a word.How rude.
So me and what’s his name kinda hit it off and went for 
walk in the park.Then all hell breaks loose.
This crazy woman comes out of the bushes screaming
“Leave my man alone.”
Now I don’t have a lot of rules as you know
But I do not cut someone else’s grass.
So I gives her the old hair grab and it was two cats in a blender.
What a catastrophe.
Luckily for her a cop comes over and breaks it up.
I staggered home and Morty put a cold towel on my head.
I like to let him help out some times.
You know what it’s like.

Anyway Morty likes to think he’s a comedian and so
I let him practice his routine on me.
After all I wasn’t going anywhere in my condition.
He calls himself Morty the Lioness.God knows why.
But who am I to judge.
So Morty gets on the coffee table and starts his bit.

“Good Morning Af-ri-ca.
Anyone from the Kalahari, Yes good for you.
And you don’t mind admitting it in public .Lovely.
I spent a year there one weekend.
Hey what’s a Lioness like me doin’ telling
jokes to an audience of Wilderbeest?
I should be eaten ya.  Just kiddin’.
I’ll do that later. No I’m jokin.Really I am.
I had a tight rope walker on the way here.
I like to have a well-balanced meal.
So a little bit about myself.
I’m gay.I know a funny place to come out.
Most people haven’t heard of a gay lioness.
Well were out there.
I mean people talk about gay Pride.
My family has been a Pride for years.
To be honest its not all Zebra legs and Wilderbeest tongues,
Sorry bad taste.In fact its the worst taste I’ve
Ever had.
But anyway my girl friend and me are in love.
Awwe We do everything together.
She’s a Vegan. Can ya believe that.
Won’t chase zebras or deers or nothin’.
I mean I’m trying I take her on the hunt
But she just sits there doin her toe nails.
I mean its hard.I am a proud meat eater as ya know.
Well its been special.Any Camels in the audience?
I leave with this: What do you get when
you cross a Camel with a Lion.
A chameleon. That kills me every time.
Goodbye now and get moving quick I’m hungry.

I pretended to laugh at Morty. He’s tries hard.
You know what its like.