I think

I think mothers play an important part in a child’s upbringing.

Especially If there’s a daughter, like myself.

They nurture and support us as we grow and give us advice when we ask questions over something silly like prom dresses or makeup tips. Allow us to feel such feminine emotions, empowerment, give us that mother daughter bonding moment.

Well there’re supposed to.

I have a hard time with my own mother. It feels like I’m in a constant battle with her emotions, trying to appease her, if she’s upset then how dare I say anything about how good my day was.

If she’s angry when she notices how close I am to my father then she must make a inappropriate insinuation to me, making sure I feel bad for being close to the man she divorced all those years ago and no longer has control over.

Making sure I realize that if I left her, She’ll be nothing, she has no one else but me. It’s suffocating.

When I got my first best friend, she made a deal that the relationship is taboo and goes against “our” religion.

It's never enough, no matter how hard I try to contain the harm that occurs. My Mother says that even though I ended the friendship completely, I didn't have to. But I knew that it was safer that way, To appease her, to stop her tears and frustration that her daughter does something so unpleasant.

Unlike when I cry in front of my father, it’s not comfort she supplies me with it’s just this one comment.

“Stop crying you look pitiful, like you’re throwing a pity party or trying to sell me a sob story.”

She’s taught me that it’s better to fight back then let your tears fall down and dampen your face, even when you can’t fight then stay silent until she moves on like nothing happened. There’s never apologies exchanged on both ends,it’s typically mine just being thrown against the wall with no return.

It feels like I’m not good enough so why even bother, but it’s for those moments where she genuinely laughs and smiles with me.

Like all those tears I’ve shed are nonexistent and I’m just able to feel happiness and only that.

Despite all this I find myself at an impasse I still love her, she’s my mother after all, but there are moments where I question myself, asking if I’m allowed not to love such a woman. If I’m allowed to be happy own my own and not bend myself backwards to make her happy.