The Importance of a Shell.

I've always clung to one thing.
A jacket,
A sweatshirt,
A backpack,
A book,

I like War and Peace.
War and Peace is always there for me,
War and Peace is portable,
Its wearable,
Its not gonna leave me like my brother.

When I was a kid, I owned this red jacket.
It had buttons that looked like triangles,
And it protected me.
People would call me ugly and fat.
But I didn't care.

I did care,
I cared so much.
One day, I didn't wear it.
And I felt like I was going to explode,
Like the world was going to collapse on me,
Like my heart was a time bomb,
Just, tick-tick-ticking away,
And nobody would care if it blew.

I wore that thing for a year straight.
And when I grew out of it. I cried.
And I didn't have my shell anymore.
There wasn't a wall to keep everything
Out.

I got a new shell,
A light green sweatshirt.
That zipped up and down,
Up and down,
Up and down.
And I wore that everyday for 2 years,
2 whole years.
People would call me ugly and fat.
But I didn't care.

At least I pretended I didn't care.

I wore that thing so often it wore down from constant use,
It physically had holes.
And my mom threw it out when I wasn't paying attention.
And I didn't cry
Because every time I cry someone has to tell me:
"stop being a baby."

The only shell I had left was a backpack,
it was more easy to tear off a body than some dumb jacket,
It was torn apart on the first day I got it.
And I cried.
And they laughed.
"stop being a baby."

I was just trying to feel safe.
I didn't feel safe.

I don't like War and Peace.
I don't like the story,
Or the author,
Or the characters.
I hate it.

I hate it so much, but it's the only thing that makes me feel safe.
It’s the only thing that distracts me from the glances cast at me,
the words said,
the fighting parents,
the absent brother.
This ultimate feeling of dread,
The tightness in my chest when someone misgenders me,
The wishing I was dead.

And I cry.
Because I'm scared my shell is breaking again.
I'm scared there are people on the outside
Of that wall
Tearing it down with their words.

And I don't have anything else to cling to.