“Please”

I’m so pathetic. I should end it at that. There’s nothing more to say to  explain how I feel. Just let me go. Let me drown. Stop pretending to care when we both know you’ll leave.

I’m sorry isn’t enough, to rid the pain, to make us forgive, or for things to change. 

It doesn’t matter.

Nothing matters when all you feel is empty. 

It seeps in my bones when I least expect it, and all I want to do is disappear. Match my physical to what’s on the inside. 

Tell me what I did wrong to cause this ache in my chest. Why do I deserve to be alone? Am I just not worth it? 

I shouldn’t care. Shouldn’t want to curl into a ball and cry. It’s not that serious. It’s not important. It’s not special. It’s nothing. I’m fine. I want to be fine so much that I am.

 I think my brother is right. I’m a hypochondriac, or one of those people who think there is something wrong in their mind just to feel something. To make someone notice. Maybe they’ll care. 

My brain is at war with itself, but it’s also at war with every other part of me and I don’t understand it. I want to scream. I want to run. I want to hide. I want anything to make these emotions stop. 

I’m angry at myself for so many reasons and I wish she would shut up. I wish she would leave. I wish she would grow up. Do something else for once.

I don’t know anymore. I’m trying and sometimes it feels like it’s working, but then I end up back where I’ve always been. 

I’m just so tired. Please let it go. Let me breathe. This weight I can’t shake. Always on guard. Always aware. Always in pain. Please. 

I’m sorry that I’m not strong. I’m sorry that you’re lost. I’m sorry that you can’t get over this. I try so hard, but it never works. 

I’ll keep going though. I’ll stay awake even as my body drags me under and every nerve is screaming at me to give up. For you. 

I hate you, but you’re all I have. I know it’s wrong. It’s not even your fault. I just can’t understand it. Pathetic to the core, but you’re just a child. 

It’s ironic how I love and hate children. Maybe that’s a sign. Grow up. Please. I can’t do this anymore. Something needs to change. Something has to break. I’m tearing at the seams. 

Just let me go…