Thoughts sometimes

sometimes it hurts so much that i want to scratch myself open, show my pain inside open wide to the world, to pull my beating heart out and STOP FEELING 

sometimes emotions consume me like fire, merciless, leaving nothing but ashes and SOUL DEEP PAIN

sometimes life seems like water, a tidal wave of all tidal waves, yanking me apart like a rag doll, struggling to breathe, to think, to live

sometimes life engulfs me like the earth, feeling as though i am in a coffin, buried alongside with dirt, filled with maggots and insects that try to burrow into me as i desperately writhe and flail and scream and wail and choke on my sobs as i try to escape from stifling hell on earth begging to be let out, out, OUT

sometimes life is like the air and the wind around us, whimsical at first yet slowly as the wind buffets my body around, unrelentingly, unceasingly, not letting me rest or recover, inflicting more pain and not letting me go ,never letting me go, making me wish for the sweet mercy of death as the very idea of happiness becomes so foreign. Making my bones break, my happiness destroyed, my emotions ruined, my mind SHATTERED

sometimes life seem to embody insanity, with the sudden highs and the lows that give such whiplash, sudden happiness that it feels that my heart will burst and sudden sadness that will break me into infinitesimally small specks that will be doomed to wander for all eternity, sudden anger and myself at the world for failing me as a child, anger that threatens to make me lose my humanity, myself and become a feral beast, teeth and claws bared, anguished, furious, lost, crazed, BETTER OFF DEAD

sometimes, i want to break, cackle maniacally, make the world feel what i feel , shriek, yell,  curse, rip, tear, maim something someone SOMEHOW

sometimes, i want to preserve what innocence is left, at least let others be whole even if i am broken, always will be broken, NEVER ABLE TO HEAL

sometimes thoughts and emotions and moods and memories and the world before me changes, swirls in dizzying ways, never able to catch my breath, confused, overwhelmed, delirious, i spiral and fracture until i wonder if i'm even experiencing reality, or is my life a nightmare, merely a figment of someone else's imagination. or merely a plaything of other creatures who love to see me SUFFER

sometimes, i wonder if i will have a future should i have one, do i deserve one, can i bear living one for it feels so difficult at times to simply breathe and exist and live and celebrate and attain happiness and make my loved ones proud of me

sometimes, i commit the most horrible crime, which is to have hope, to wish something better for myself, to scream for help, help me, help me; to believe that i'll heal. How naive, stupid, useless, pathetic, dumb and worthless am i ,to ever believe. For the horrors in my waking days and living nightmares will never end, forever circling me, brutalizing my mind, chipping at me bit and bit till, i fall, fall, fall, and cry, cry, cry, and finally burn, burn, BURN FOR ALL OFF ETERNITY…….