A Question need or want?

The RSM’s question – What do you need? 

There is only one thing I need in life and that is to achieve that “moment” in time. Do I tell my RSM I want to die every night with my love Amanda, in a memories dream? That I am disappointed every time I wake up? Do you think he would understand that from me? This Artillery soldier, in front of me. I am a soldier first above all. I have that one achievement, that one goal, that one moment for me. That future ahead of me, to achieve. To think I decided to take that away from my me. 

Need, what a word to say the least. It indicates something is missing, something is required, or that something is in complete. I want others to be a soldier like me, a man like me, and that they end up as cultured as me through their respective careers and life events but I don’t need them to. I would like them, to need to improve themselves to become better for themselves and nobody else, but don’t need to. Me, I need myself to let me be my I and live my life striving for a moment in time that everyone else will tell me is something I should not be striving for. But I am my me and need nothing more than what I want to achieve. 

I have only ever needed something for my troops, parts list, kit list, ECL, Supply Accounts, Genny, trailer, vehicle, Willard, detachment, room, office, section, troop, tent, Mod, SEV, unit, exercise, CFTPO, mission, or operation. Never for me. I am a soldier; I have no personal needs. 

I have never wanted anything for myself. I have wanted things for my troops, parts list, kit list, ECL, Supply Accounts, Genny, trailer, truck, Willard, detachment, room, office, section, troop, tent, Mod, SEV, unit, exercise, CFTPO, mission, or operation. Never for me. I am a soldier; I have been trained to never think of the me. I have been taught and trained to put mission first. 

I am a soldier, a rank, a position, a position name on a piece of paper or screen in front of you. What would or could I possibly need. Another soldier to help us achieve our military goals each day. Better equipment for the unit to accomplish their training needs. Our trade training to be better than what it currently is. My troops to be honest all the time, possibly a need. There are so many needs that are egotistical, self-centered, and are not for the military team. I am not an individual. I am a number on a list of names associated to a unit, task, CFTPO, mission, operation, or garbage pickup line. You know, a soldier. No needs for me. 

This question, needs an understanding of a soldier, a 24-year career. I have been trained to think of the team not to think of myself. The only thing I have been taught by the good old CAF is to do self-recovery when injured on the battle field, exercise, training event, or unit level activity. I have been trained that I am an individual only when being disciplined. I have strived to never be an individual, so thinking of what I need, it is hard. 

This question, only asked when faced with a dilemma, problem, or issue that comes around as a result of other people's individual actions and decisions effecting your individual life or actions of your own. A soldier, a man like me will never be able to think of himself and what he needs, other than that moment in time that he goes to sleep every night to achieve. 

I have to have another reason associated to the need or want for me to ask, other than for myself. I myself have no wants or needs, so I have no reason. Everything I ask for as a soldier, has other reasons associated with it. 

Example, I asked for Therapy, but not for me, but am doing it for me. Yes, confusing. The reasons I have, is to get my head straight so I can get my focus back to do my job as a soldier. So that I can eventually be a supervisor again. So that the task I am given gets completed. I asked not for me, but for the soldier I am, to be able to get back to myself. But I never asked for me, I asked for everything else. 

I understand what I am saying, but this is my head, so I understand. I also understand if you have the simple view, all of that is just for you. Well, this 24-year career soldier can only disagree. My “me” has different facets. I am a soldier, a man, a lover, friend, comrade, acquaintance, neighbor, and regular. There are different needs associated to each, and my out of soldier facets need nothing from the military. So, a difficult question to answer to a soldier like me. I have no needs. 

My answer to the RSM’s question is:  

“Nothing, Sir!”, “I am good”, “I have everything I need”, “thank you anyways”, “I appreciate the offer”, “No needs for my me”, “I am a soldier, Sir”, “You tell me, what I need”, “and I will go get it”, “Even if it is not free”. 

An honest answer. I understand if you disagree with my thinking. I would go buy it. The military has made us do it before and will make us spend again. I am a soldier first and appreciate any offer of assistance from the CoC. I have to ask for the soldier, not for the self. I have never been asked “What do you need?”, that had nothing to do with what was listed already for wants and needs. I have no needs, my soldier needs therapy, and the CoC has gotten that for my soldier me. My personal me, that is where I have those 12-years of Amanda. That me needs nothing from the military, it has all it needs. 

I am a different kind of soldier. This was the hardest question to answer in my career. I still need nothing for myself, but do for the soldier because of the situation I find myself in. If the situation did not exist, I would need nothing. So only when the soldier needs something will I have an answer to such a simple question. I have been well trained and never ask for anything other than something for the listed needs and wants, and the soldier of me. 

Sorry, it is just me.