Rusting Medals

The past often comes to me in flashes, involuntarily

It returns in bursts to taunt me with sweet memories

It shows me glimpses of when days were easier to get through

Back when I wasn’t so tense, so grief-stricken and so terribly cruel

I’m not one to hold grudges

But I won’t ever forgive myself

For tainting my childhood with impurity

And staining my youth with so-called maturity

There’s a lot I regret and hope to change

Funnily enough, I haven’t even done much

I just wish I would’ve made a different choice

I wish I was kinder, calmer and a little stronger

It seems I’m always stuck apologizing for my misdeeds

I’m sorry, it was selfish of me not to respond to your texts

I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have lashed out at you like that

I’m sorry, I hope you can muster up the courage to forgive me

In truth, I try to stay so cognizant of the world and my role in it

That I often commit horrible, catastrophic crimes to my heart and soul

I swallow my dignity, I gulp my pride, and I reply no matter how hard it is to speak

I bottle up my melancholy and watch with bemusement as it comes leaking out of me

“I’m sorry”, I whisper softly, except for once I’m apologizing to my younger self

“I’m sorry for failing you. I’m sorry for forcing you to grow up. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“I promise I didn’t mean any of it. I was just trying to do what I thought was right.”

“There was no time to watch you bloom and thrive. I’m sorry for cutting off your oxygen.”

I wish I could just follow my heart

Instead of dancing to other people’s heartbeats

I’m a chronic people-pleaser, a pathetic attempt at perfection, and a failure of a daughter

I’m grasping onto my rusting medals and praying to God I don’t fall off my pedestal